Metaphors and Similes never looked so good
User profile for Faroutman
Total submissions: 139
Daily Wins: 12
Editors Picks: 3
Megaphails: 0
Average score: 56%
All submissions by Faroutman
I need a piss so badly I could I think a 'face-hugger' is about to erupt out of my bladder.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Momma always said life is like a milkshake. Best when chilled and can go sour if things get too heated.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My sense of smell is so good I can tell when that beat of sweat forms on your brow as you fear me.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My Bi-Polar friend is more up and down than the world trampolining championships.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Have you met my friend Jesus? He's supposed to be around here somewhere, it was prophesied.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just got beaten on Mario Kart by my five year old son and now feel like choosing Bowser was a bad mistake.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Well, that was more embarassing than when Kate and Gerry left their kids all alone in a hotel.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just played tennis against The Hulk and now I feel like having a long shower to wash away the smell of fear...MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
She looked at me like I'd just said that piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That was over so fast I thought damn this premature ejaculation problem of mine.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
To be a contestant on The Apprentice you need to have the common sense of everyone sat in the house of commons.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just downed 10 slush puppies and now I feel like my brain got dunked in an ice bath, then hit with a brick.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This Icelandic volcano is causing more disruption than four horses tied to each limb.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Yesterday's Rapture was awesome! I met this guy called Jesus, he was saying something about heaven, I think....I just stabbed him in the face.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
What the deuce? That's more revolting than 'The Lord of the Rings: Return of the Goatsie.'MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My mother tried to abort me with a coathanger and I turned out like she's also tried to abort me by being kicked in the stomach and accidentally pushed down the stairs.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
After losing to Jedward at Eurovision, Blue must be putting the guns to their heads and pulling the triggers.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I haven't seen anything that disfigured since I took a tour around Derren Brown's house.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You make me angrier than Bin Laden when he heard the doorbell, and the doorbell was bullets.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My youth is disappearing so fast it won't be long till my wife's knockers can be used as a Newton's Cradle.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When engaged in hand to hand combat there's nothing more humiliating than getting a tear in your mankini.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
The doctor said if I don't sort out this anal seepage I may as well get the operation to remover the ribs so I can suck it out myself, rather than asking him to do it every week.DW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If Amy Winehouse brought out a perfume it would be called "smack, crack and quack"DW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Working on a weekend feels more wrong than than being sexually pleasured by Susan Boyle.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I heard Osama Bin Laden had been killed I laughed like the time i found this invisible cloak and took a trip to the girls shower. Hur hur.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
After so many bank holidays the prospect of going back to work is like the feeling of anger at when you can't eat any more at an all you can eat buffet.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If my eyes were any closer together I would have to go pick a fight to go get them separated again.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Farting during the Royal Wedding would cause more of a scene than the time I farted twice in New York and these two towers fell down.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I care as much about you as I do about sammichs. It's a directly proportional relationship: the more you bring, the more I care.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I've eaten so many Easter eggs, I feel like I need to eat some broody hens and see if they will hatch in me.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I showed up to that Bar Mitzvah I felt about as welcome as a pedo in a playground.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than than the sweet meaty aroma of my gal cooking me a post-coital bacon sandwich. Bacon...MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the pornography channel.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
The Royal Wedding would be infinitely more interesting if if the rock gave the best man's speechMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I don't stop drinking whisky my liver will look like it's gone through 20 rounds with Mike Tyson, got mumps and then attacked by a midget with a pot of yellow paint.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If Star Wars was real my life couldn't be more complete if my pet was Charizard and my wife was Jessica Biel.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Nicholas Cage's film career is a face off between a national treasure, ghost rider and a kick ass hero. MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I ate a dolphin I would be more powerful than Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater.DW EP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If Paris is the city of love then Hull is the gristle in a kebab, even when drunk it'll still piss you off.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Since the accident my pet elephant has been more forgetful than ....than....than.....damn what was I going to say.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Tried to bully Casey "Little Zangief" Heynes and now I'm stood over his bloody corpse, because I succeeded.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That bang was so loud I thought that the explosion I'm walking away from must be pretty damn awesome.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When it comes to dating I'm as shallow as the trench of dead hookers in my garden.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just ran over my cat and now it's as dead as that robber who interupted me when I was making a manwich with a machete. Damn that was tasty.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you were lactose intolerant, a diabetic, and had a wheat allergy.DW EP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been orally violated by a woman with facial warts.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You want me to do what? I'd have more luck invading a country and actually finishing the war before ChristmasMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Where did you meet her? She looks like she's far too good for you. Why don't you be a good lad and introduce us.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This curry is so spicy it feels like I'm going to have a bad case of ring of fire.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than an average american who just walked up the stairsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Spring has sprung, the daffodils are out and I feel gayer than that time I got asked how many cocks I could fit in my mouth and replied " garglefhhthgargle".DW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as shaved monkey....oh wait...MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I'm so addicted to chocolate, I crave it more than the anal fun time I receive every Monday at 4:53 preciselyMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm booking the taxi to Radio 1 and loading the shotgun as we speak.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's never been seen before! I'm going as a blind man.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I'm more nervous for this interview than a Jew about to walk into a German shower facility.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I couldn't be happier if I performed an O Soto Gari on David Cameron and Nick Clegg, then proceeded to stamp their heads into the pavement.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This family heirloom has been passed down through generations and is worth more than a "free blowjob from Emma Watson" coupon.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My phone is so outdated it makes Alexander Graham Bell's phone look like a smartphone.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Getting dressed in the dark is more of a struggle than sleeping with someone without the use of rohypnol...MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Getting dressed in the dark is more of a struggle than getting this stupid square peg through this damn round hole!MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Libya is in more of a mess than the condem coalition policies....or wait is it...MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of heaven, which is then described in detail by (insert woman of your dreams) in her sexiest voice.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
No way could you do that. You've got more chance taking on 300 Spartans with nothing but a spoon.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider would be cooler than some methods of superhero creation, but not better than having adamantium claws.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather be spending time putting my DVDs in alphabetical order than be at a party you organise.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather go to the other, more fun, party.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Forgot to buy a Valentine's Day card and now I'm in more trouble than no-one as I forgot to get myself a girlfriend. Again....MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My hangover is so bad I feel like the woman next to me looks. Damn beer goggles.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
By the time Amy Winehouse is 40 she will look like she still needs to be put down, humanly of course...MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
By the time Amy Winehouse is 40 she will look like the scrotum of an 80 year old man.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than every time I've been at the final boss of a game and realised I've missed something cool or my team is to weak...MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than that time I couldn't get the square peg through the round hole...DW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just found £1 in the street and now I'm as excited as when the lolrus found had his bucket returnedMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When the probe was inserted I felt as if that time I put the gerbil up there was nothing in comparisonMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than that scene from "Her first squirt III"MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like the puss that comes out of the warts on your faceMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like a gangbang between sulphur dioxide and chloroformMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost certainly think you stole it from someone funnier than you.DW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost found you attractive, but the fact you look like a hippo cancelled it out.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just one lottery win and I will be as rich as weatherspoons chocolate fudge cakeMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like waiting for my AIDS test result.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I wish I hadn't had that curry last night. My anus feels like a muddy Niagara falls is passing through it every 10 minutes...MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than ...hang on...could you repeat the question please?MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than Einstein, but look more intelligent than the guy who comes second...MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than someone with downs who had been hit in the face with a spade.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than a pornstar who weighs 30 stoneMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder I would start to lactate ice cream.EP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like "get out the way I'm trying to look at your mate"MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like drinking a pangalactic gargleblasterMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Midweek television has gone downhill faster than than the speed of light, proving Einstein wrong.MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Ricky Gervais' Golden Globe performance was missed by millions as they were watching the other channelMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
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I haven't panicked this much since my son Raoul asked me to meet his friend from ballet campbob's dark side34%