megaphoresMetaphors and Similes never looked so good

User profile for Faroutman

Total submissions: 139
Daily Wins: 12
Editors Picks: 3
Megaphails: 0
Average score: 54%


All submissions by Faroutman

Boxsets are taking over the world faster than skynet could ever wish to.DW MegaAwful
This gossip is juicier than than a 1 kilo medium rare steakMegaAwful
I need a piss so badly I could I think a 'face-hugger' is about to erupt out of my bladder.MegaAwful
I like my women like I like my football, lots of dribbling and kicking.MegaAwful
I haven't panicked this much since I was in the company of Mr. Mannering.MegaAwful
It contains about as much bacteria as as a german bean sprout.DW MegaAwful
Momma always said life is like a milkshake. Best when chilled and can go sour if things get too heated.MegaAwful
Warning: German beansprouts may be deadlier than German showersMegaAwful
Midas turns things into gold. You turn them into jelly. Any flavour jelly.DW MegaAwful
My sense of smell is so good I can tell when that beat of sweat forms on your brow as you fear me.MegaAwful
My Bi-Polar friend is more up and down than the world trampolining championships.MegaAwful
Have you met my friend Jesus? He's supposed to be around here somewhere, it was prophesied.MegaAwful
Just got beaten on Mario Kart by my five year old son and now feel like choosing Bowser was a bad mistake.MegaAwful
Well, that was more embarassing than when Kate and Gerry left their kids all alone in a hotel.MegaAwful
Why are you so mad? It's not like I decided to come home and piss on the bedDW MegaAwful
Just played tennis against The Hulk and now I feel like having a long shower to wash away the smell of fear...MegaAwful
Call that a winner? I've seen a midget knocked over by a full size jenga.MegaAwful
She looked at me like I'd just said that piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!MegaAwful
That was over so fast I thought damn this premature ejaculation problem of mine.MegaAwful
To be a contestant on The Apprentice you need to have the common sense of everyone sat in the house of commons.MegaAwful
Just downed 10 slush puppies and now I feel like my brain got dunked in an ice bath, then hit with a brick.MegaAwful
Made in Chelsea is more cringeworthy than Sobo oiling herself up.MegaAwful
This Icelandic volcano is causing more disruption than four horses tied to each limb.MegaAwful
Yesterday's Rapture was awesome! I met this guy called Jesus, he was saying something about heaven, I think....I just stabbed him in the face.MegaAwful
That BBQ smells so good it's like being pleasured by Angelina JolieMegaAwful
You're such a noob you couldn't even get the hole in one.MegaAwful
When I die I want to go out like a bossMegaAwful
What the deuce? That's more revolting than 'The Lord of the Rings: Return of the Goatsie.'MegaAwful
Early 19th century tampons looked like bloodstained white lab mice.MegaAwful
My mother tried to abort me with a coathanger and I turned out like she's also tried to abort me by being kicked in the stomach and accidentally pushed down the stairs.MegaAwful
After losing to Jedward at Eurovision, Blue must be putting the guns to their heads and pulling the triggers.MegaAwful
I haven't seen anything that disfigured since I took a tour around Derren Brown's house.MegaAwful
You make me angrier than Bin Laden when he heard the doorbell, and the doorbell was bullets.MegaAwful
My youth is disappearing so fast it won't be long till my wife's knockers can be used as a Newton's Cradle.MegaAwful
I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like a woman.MegaAwful
When engaged in hand to hand combat there's nothing more humiliating than getting a tear in your mankini.MegaAwful
The doctor said if I don't sort out this anal seepage I may as well get the operation to remover the ribs so I can suck it out myself, rather than asking him to do it every week.DW MegaAwful
If Amy Winehouse brought out a perfume it would be called "smack, crack and quack"DW MegaAwful
Working on a weekend feels more wrong than than being sexually pleasured by Susan Boyle.MegaAwful
The man in the lighthouse must be lonelier than Michael Jackson's white glove.MegaAwful
Yellow snow tastes like a lemon and sulphur slush puppy.MegaAwful
When I heard Osama Bin Laden had been killed I laughed like the time i found this invisible cloak and took a trip to the girls shower. Hur hur.MegaAwful
After so many bank holidays the prospect of going back to work is like the feeling of anger at when you can't eat any more at an all you can eat buffet.MegaAwful
If my eyes were any closer together I would have to go pick a fight to go get them separated again.MegaAwful
I understand the AV voting system about as much as I understand women.MegaAwful
Farting during the Royal Wedding would cause more of a scene than the time I farted twice in New York and these two towers fell down.MegaAwful
My forearms are so strong I could punch the moon out of orbit.MegaAwful
You call this torture? You might as well sentence me to death by shnu shnu.MegaAwful
I care as much about you as I do about sammichs. It's a directly proportional relationship: the more you bring, the more I care.MegaAwful
I've eaten so many Easter eggs, I feel like I need to eat some broody hens and see if they will hatch in me.MegaAwful
If I were a spy I'd be as subtle as captain obvious!!MegaAwful
When I showed up to that Bar Mitzvah I felt about as welcome as a pedo in a playground.MegaAwful
Can you turn down the light? It's brighter than Humphry Davy intended.MegaAwful
Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than than the sweet meaty aroma of my gal cooking me a post-coital bacon sandwich. Bacon...MegaAwful
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the pornography channel.MegaAwful
The Royal Wedding would be infinitely more interesting if if the rock gave the best man's speechMegaAwful
If I don't stop drinking whisky my liver will look like it's gone through 20 rounds with Mike Tyson, got mumps and then attacked by a midget with a pot of yellow paint.MegaAwful
If Star Wars was real my life couldn't be more complete if my pet was Charizard and my wife was Jessica Biel.MegaAwful
Nicholas Cage's film career is a face off between a national treasure, ghost rider and a kick ass hero. MegaAwful
If I ate a dolphin I would be more powerful than Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater.DW EP MegaAwful
If Paris is the city of love then Hull is the gristle in a kebab, even when drunk it'll still piss you off.MegaAwful
Since the accident my pet elephant has been more forgetful than ....than....than.....damn what was I going to say.MegaAwful
Tried to bully Casey "Little Zangief" Heynes and now I'm stood over his bloody corpse, because I succeeded.MegaAwful
That bang was so loud I thought that the explosion I'm walking away from must be pretty damn awesome.MegaAwful
When it comes to dating I'm as shallow as the trench of dead hookers in my garden.MegaAwful
Just ran over my cat and now it's as dead as that robber who interupted me when I was making a manwich with a machete. Damn that was tasty.MegaAwful
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you were lactose intolerant, a diabetic, and had a wheat allergy.DW EP MegaAwful
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been orally violated by a woman with facial warts.MegaAwful
I'm so drunk, I feel like I'll do any hole tonight, mine or their's.MegaAwful
I'm so drunk, I feel like I've eaten Ghandi's flip flops.MegaAwful
You want me to do what? I'd have more luck invading a country and actually finishing the war before ChristmasMegaAwful
Where did you meet her? She looks like she's far too good for you. Why don't you be a good lad and introduce us.MegaAwful
If I got a tattoo I'd be more popular than Hitler at a Hanukkah celebration.MegaAwful
This curry is so spicy it feels like I'm going to have a bad case of ring of fire.MegaAwful
Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than an average american who just walked up the stairsMegaAwful
Spring has sprung, the daffodils are out and I feel gayer than that time I got asked how many cocks I could fit in my mouth and replied " garglefhhthgargle".DW MegaAwful
Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as shaved monkey....oh wait...MegaAwful
I'm so addicted to chocolate, I crave it more than the anal fun time I receive every Monday at 4:53 preciselyMegaAwful
Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm booking the taxi to Radio 1 and loading the shotgun as we speak.MegaAwful
That hemorrhoid cream is more effective than the KY jelly. Fun Times.MegaAwful
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's never been seen before! I'm going as a blind man.MegaAwful
I'm more nervous for this interview than a Jew about to walk into a German shower facility.MegaAwful
I couldn't be happier if I performed an O Soto Gari on David Cameron and Nick Clegg, then proceeded to stamp their heads into the pavement.MegaAwful
This family heirloom has been passed down through generations and is worth more than a "free blowjob from Emma Watson" coupon.MegaAwful
I forgot to buy milk so my pancakes ended up stodgier than curdled yogurtMegaAwful
When I was a teenager I had more spots than 101 dalmations.MegaAwful
My phone is so outdated it makes Alexander Graham Bell's phone look like a smartphone.MegaAwful
Getting dressed in the dark is more of a struggle than sleeping with someone without the use of rohypnol...MegaAwful
Getting dressed in the dark is more of a struggle than getting this stupid square peg through this damn round hole!MegaAwful
If I eat any more I'll end up looking like the Michelin man.MegaAwful
I was slapped so hard I thought wow....kinky.MegaAwful
Libya is in more of a mess than the condem coalition policies....or wait is it...MegaAwful
A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of heaven, which is then described in detail by (insert woman of your dreams) in her sexiest voice.MegaAwful
That guy has the dancing abilities of a man, or woman, having an epileptic fit.MegaAwful
That model is so hot I would reckon you could count to her IQ on one hand.MegaAwful
That model is so hot I would bet she has an STI or two.MegaAwful
This hot knife cuts through butter like it's a mini lightsaberDW MegaAwful
When I'm finished with you your face will look like icing on a cupcake.MegaAwful
No way could you do that. You've got more chance taking on 300 Spartans with nothing but a spoon.MegaAwful
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider would be cooler than some methods of superhero creation, but not better than having adamantium claws.MegaAwful
Justin Bieber is more annoying than losing the gameMegaAwful
Justin Bieber is more annoying than the crazy frog on red bullMegaAwful
That guy? He's about as manly as Gok WanMegaAwful
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather be spending time putting my DVDs in alphabetical order than be at a party you organise.MegaAwful
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather go to the other, more fun, party.MegaAwful
Forgot to buy a Valentine's Day card and now I'm in more trouble than no-one as I forgot to get myself a girlfriend. Again....MegaAwful
I'm such a badass I killed a kittenMegaAwful
My hangover is so bad I feel like the woman next to me looks. Damn beer goggles.MegaAwful
By the time Amy Winehouse is 40 she will look like she still needs to be put down, humanly of course...MegaAwful
By the time Amy Winehouse is 40 she will look like the scrotum of an 80 year old man.MegaAwful
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than every time I've been at the final boss of a game and realised I've missed something cool or my team is to weak...MegaAwful
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than that time I couldn't get the square peg through the round hole...DW MegaAwful
Just found £1 in the street and now I'm as excited as when the lolrus found had his bucket returnedMegaAwful
When the probe was inserted I felt as if that time I put the gerbil up there was nothing in comparisonMegaAwful
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than that scene from "Her first squirt III"MegaAwful
Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like the puss that comes out of the warts on your faceMegaAwful
Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like a gangbang between sulphur dioxide and chloroformMegaAwful
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost certainly think you stole it from someone funnier than you.DW MegaAwful
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost found you attractive, but the fact you look like a hippo cancelled it out.MegaAwful
This box of freshly picked apples is like really hard to shopliftMegaAwful
Just one lottery win and I will be as rich as weatherspoons chocolate fudge cakeMegaAwful
Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like waiting for my AIDS test result.MegaAwful
I wish I hadn't had that curry last night. My anus feels like a muddy Niagara falls is passing through it every 10 minutes...MegaAwful
Is it me or does that look weirder than adolf hitler in pantyhose.MegaAwful
That chatup line was more of a failure than England's 2018 World Cup bidMegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than ...hang on...could you repeat the question please?MegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than Einstein, but look more intelligent than the guy who comes second...MegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than someone with downs who had been hit in the face with a spade.MegaAwful
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than a pornstar who weighs 30 stoneMegaAwful
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than a blind opticianMegaAwful
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder they'd load an ak-47MegaAwful
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder I would start to lactate ice cream.EP MegaAwful
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like "get out the way I'm trying to look at your mate"MegaAwful
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like drinking a pangalactic gargleblasterMegaAwful
That drunken text was a worse idea than when Hitler decided to invade Poland.MegaAwful
It's the weekend and I'm randier than a sex slave on their day offMegaAwful
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like being cuddled by a pandaMegaAwful
Midweek television has gone downhill faster than than the speed of light, proving Einstein wrong.MegaAwful
Ricky Gervais' Golden Globe performance was missed by millions as they were watching the other channelMegaAwful
 
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