Metaphors and Similes never looked so good
User profile for gadzooks
Total submissions: 131
Daily Wins: 29
Editors Picks: 4
Megaphails: 0
Average score: 54%
All submissions by gadzooks
Her chest is so full of silicone Bill Gate employs miners for the circuit board harvestMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
BBC Three's Live at the Electric is as funny as slipping over and accidentally falling penis first into the gaping mouth of the disabled kid you care forDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I went on Embarrassing Bodies, Dr. Christian made me feel like I'd have been better off spending my life bathing in open sewage whilst trying to pleasure an angry bull using a cactusDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Andy Murray has as much chance of winning Wimbledon as Prince Philip has of visiting a foreign country without casually insulting every aspect of the local cultureDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Without Wikipedia I feel like the Pope - I can spout whatever bullshit I want and no one has any way to correct meDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I've eaten so much super fruit, if I have any more I'm at risk of developing a severe allergy to kryptoniteMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
The first time I discovered porn it was like the world's stickiest fire extinguisherDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Midweek television couldn't be worse at the moment if the next episode of Jeremy Kyle had him debating the minutiae of financial law whilst swearing fealty to Nick GriffinDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Wasps are the worst invention since someone tried to superglue sliced bread back into a whole loafMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
The last Harry Potter film would be infinitely more exciting if Harry discovered a long lost spell that accidentally-on-purpose burnt off Ron's hairMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
The new Inbetweener's movie will be filled with more expletives than two Northern dockers having an argument over which formation is best for the England teamDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I was any wiser I probably would have seen the flaw in going to war armed with nothing but a blade of grass and a BibleDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Environmentalists' policy on using only one square of toilet paper per visit is a lot more satisfying when draw David Cameron's face on it using your own faecesMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Boxing couldn't be less exciting if Coldplay did the soundtrack, whilst David Cameron commentatedDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Hitting that perfect shot in golf is like totally the perfect practice for my day job as an executioner manMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Hit me 40 I'll die, hit me at 30 and I might live, but hit me at 90 and not only will you have a hell of a time scraping me off the windshield, my vapourised corpse might clog your air inletMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Obi-Wan: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than the time I boosted a nuclear power plant using Sex PantherMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Council fines are given out easier than Katie Price hands out wedding propositionsDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Boxsets are taking over the world faster than I orgasm when I think of Emperor Palpatine's O-face whilst being taken roughly from behind by Elephant ManMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Sometimes being sat on the toilet with diarrhea feels more satisfying than being told you are a Jedi whilst dismembering Jar Jar BinksMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This gossip is juicier than the special happy time juice that erupts (as if from a particularly inky squid) from your mothers baby making partsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Sleeping on a hard floor couldn't be more uncomfortable if I was such a severe homophobe that I developed an allergy to woodDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just gave 9 pints of blood in one sitting and now I feel like not only can I fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee, I can also hover in mid air like a hummingbirdDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Losing a fight to Justin Bieber would be like dropping the soap in prison - it's going to hurt, bleed and leave you feeling scarred for lifeMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I like my women like I like my pigs - dirty, full bodied and always ready for a spitroastMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This swimming pool contains so much chlorine it's like the designer took inspiration from Field Marshal Haig's 'Somme' yearsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I haven't panicked this much since I heard the key turn in the lock whilst dressed in my wife's underwear chasing a badger around the roomMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
It contains about as much bacteria as the raw sewage that flows through Paris Hilton's veinsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You couldn't be more perverted if got a lion to rape Wayne Rooney whilst you were sucked off by an anteaterDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Momma always said life is like a kitten - warm and fluffy on the outside, sour and crunchy on the insideMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Warning: German beansprouts may be deadlier than using a cobra in a whip-like manner to tame a coked-up velociraptorMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Midas turns things into gold. You turn them into broken shells of the human beings they could have been if not for you... why, dad, WHY?!MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Have you met my friend Jesus? He's just come out of a long term relationship and his confidence has taken a dent, can you please give him your number?MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just got beaten on Mario Kart by my five year old son and now feel like my guilty conscience is assuaged over the time I tried to sell him to the local zoo as foodMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Well, that was more embarassing than the time someone shouted "STOP THAT THIEF" and in my panic I powerbombed an old lady so hard her pelvis shatteredDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just played tennis against The Hulk and now I feel like a donut - soft and squishy, with red stuff leaking out various holesDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Call that a winner? I've seen real Winners calm people down with a much more patronising toneMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
She looked at me like I'd just descended from the Heavens on the mutilated carcasses of babiesMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That was over so fast I thought I need to hit the sumbitch who told me thinking of the Pope makes it last longerMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This Icelandic volcano is causing more disruption than **For legal reasons this message has been omitted due to a super injunction**DW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Yesterday's Rapture was more disappointing than sex with a 3 year old in a clownMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I die I want to go out like I'm a starfish, giving me a star-shaped coffin due to the wonders of rigor mortisDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
What the deuce? That's more revolting than the time I drowned a sack full of kiddies in that lake of puréed kittensMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Early 19th century tampons looked like they were designed by a man who last saw a vagina at his own birth, and believed periods are a form of punctuationMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My mother tried to abort me with a coathanger and I turned out like she got fisted by a tiger during pregnancyMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
After losing to Jedward at Eurovision, Blue must be frantically trying to call Harvey Lee Oswald to see if he's doing anything these daysMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I haven't seen anything that disfigured since introduced that horde of zombies to my good friend Mr. ChainsawMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You make me angrier than that time I accidentally used a cohort of mildly enraged termites instead of water in an enemaMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like Stevie Wonder - black face paint, a long wig and a hideous pair of sunglassesMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My youth is disappearing so fast it won't be long till I get to wear nappies againMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When engaged in hand to hand combat there's nothing more humiliating than having both your hands fall offMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If Amy Winehouse brought out a perfume it would be called White Lightning, sold by the gallonMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Working on a weekend feels more wrong than touching little children... so that'll be two tickets to Heaven courtesy of the Pope thenMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
The Penatron 10000 robot left me more breathless than the time I had an pneumatic drill fall in to me during an earthquakeMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
The man in the lighthouse must be lonelier than Pluto felt after being rejected by his planetary chumsDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I heard Osama Bin Laden had been killed I laughed like the Pope just told a Madeleine McCann jokeMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
After so many bank holidays the prospect of going back to work is like the soothing embrace of a jellyfish - it numbs me to the core and leads directly to a premature deathMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If my eyes were any closer together I would finally be able to see the damage my addiction has inflicted on my septumMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I understand the AV voting system about as much as politicians understand the concept of honestyMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Farting during the Royal Wedding would cause more of a scene than Philip peeling off a latex mask to reveal he is truly Hitler before launching an invasion of Mars to defeat the demonsDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My forearms are so strong I could arm wrestle Russia whilst doing one-handed pressupsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You call this torture? You might as well cover me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbiansEP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I care as much about you as I do about the fate of the Ewok race as shards of Death Star devastate their planetMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I've eaten so many Easter eggs, I feel like I'm the Easter Bunny's drug mule... Now just got to hope they don't pop in my stomach and cause me to ODMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I were a spy I'd be as subtle as the knife Prince Charles is planning on slipping between the Queen's ribsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I showed up to that Bar Mitzvah I felt about as welcome as Pontius Pilate and Judas at the Pearly Gates caught in the middle of a blowjobMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Can you turn down the light? It's brighter than the guy who realised that by combining a loaf of bread with a knife produces a sneaky way to murder someoneMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than projectile vomiting so hard I catherine wheel out of the sheets and land face first in my own vomitMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like tomorrow you plan to deep throat a cooling rod from a nuclear reactorMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
The Royal Wedding would be infinitely more interesting if it turned into a last man standing match, with the winner picking up the crownMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
The Royal Wedding would be infinitely more interesting if Prince Philip was allowed to interrupt proceedings at any point to enlighten the world of his views of other racesMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I don't stop drinking whisky my liver will look like an 80 year old scrotum - small, shrivelled and starting to smellMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Nicholas Cage's film career is has got more ups and downs than a manic depressive on a pogo stick using a yo-yoMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I ate a dolphin I would be more powerful than the legs of the orphan children I use to power my Castle of DoomMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Since the accident my pet elephant has been more forgetful than a headless chicken who couldn't find her spectaclesMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just ran over my cat and now it's as dead as the childhood dreams of the hooker I accidentally locked in a chest freezerMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you had it shoved so far up your arse you could taste itMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been suplexed through a cattle gridDW EP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You want me to do what? I'd have more luck betting on a down and out boxer lasting the entire 15 rounds against the ChampMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Where did you meet her? She looks like my old boxing gloves - sweaty and leathery, with fist-sized opening just waiting to be filledDW EP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I got a tattoo I'd be more popular than Princess Diana's zombie at the Daily Express officeMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This curry is so spicy it feels like it might be worth ripping my stomach open with a rusty spoon to avoid the inevitable ring of fireMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just been stung by a wasp and now my face has swollen up so bad it looks like I've been used as a blunt weapon to beat someone to deathDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Spring has sprung, the daffodils are out and I feel gayer than the glitter-dusted rainbow sneeze of a pastel pink unicorn being ridden by George MichaelMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Life through Charlie Sheen's eyes must be loonier than wearing kaleidoscope glasses whilst listening to "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" whilst popping acid like it's SkittlesMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Petrol prices are to be slashed by 1p per litre? I haven't felt this underwhelmed since I heard someone describe WW1 as "a bit icky"DW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I walked into a club looking any hotter people might mistake me for Scarlett JohanssonMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This Orchid is rarer than finding a 12 year old who isn't a drug addicted, alcoholic sex maniacDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My new armour offers me about as much protection as dancing on a hilltop clad only in tinfoil whilst cursing Zeus during a thunderstormDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Football couldn't be a duller sport if it was played by 22 statues on a beige pitchMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as an eagle with early onset feather lossMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm feeling more neurotic than a squirrel that's been partying with Charlie SheenDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
For missing the sentence start again the creators of Megaphores are sorrier than I felt after turning up to the paedophile convention in fancy dressMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This family heirloom has been passed down through generations and is worth more than the contents of a gappies arse as he's leaving CambodiaMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Getting dressed in the dark is more of a struggle than preventing the children telling their parents the truth about youMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like we should have used a condomMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I'm finished with you your face will look like the south end of a north facing horseMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This towel is so rough it's like Amy Winehouse got impregnated by some sandpaperMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than being beaten at pinball by a deaf, dumb and blind kidMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just found £1 in the street and now I'm as excited as Admiral Ackbar in an ambushDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When the probe was inserted I felt as if the medical for being a choir boy was surprisingly rigorousMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a fish having some "personal time"MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like George Michael's schlong after a night outMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost mistook you for the lovechild of Tommy Cooper and Tim VineMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just one lottery win and I will be as rich as Emperor Palpatine was after his multiple insurance claimsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like a Bath Spa student to learn the alphabetMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I wish I hadn't had that curry last night. My anus feels like I got a rimjob from a dragonMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Is it me or does that look weirder than the platypus from Weirdsville who just graduated from the University of Weird with a 1st in WeirdomMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than a Redneck retaking primary school for the 18th timeMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Paris Hilton graduating from high schoolMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder it would be called the Laurel and Nipple showMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That drunken text was a worse idea than doing a 500ft bungee jump with a 600ft bungeeEP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
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Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like dinner time!Overheat65%