megaphoresMetaphors and Similes never looked so good

User profile for gadzooks

Total submissions: 131
Daily Wins: 29
Editors Picks: 4
Megaphails: 0
Average score: 54%


All submissions by gadzooks

Her chest is so full of silicone Bill Gate employs miners for the circuit board harvestMegaAwful
BBC Three's Live at the Electric is as funny as slipping over and accidentally falling penis first into the gaping mouth of the disabled kid you care forDW MegaAwful
When I went on Embarrassing Bodies, Dr. Christian made me feel like I'd have been better off spending my life bathing in open sewage whilst trying to pleasure an angry bull using a cactusDW MegaAwful
Andy Murray has as much chance of winning Wimbledon as Prince Philip has of visiting a foreign country without casually insulting every aspect of the local cultureDW MegaAwful
Without Wikipedia I feel like the Pope - I can spout whatever bullshit I want and no one has any way to correct meDW MegaAwful
I've eaten so much super fruit, if I have any more I'm at risk of developing a severe allergy to kryptoniteMegaAwful
The first time I discovered porn it was like the world's stickiest fire extinguisherDW MegaAwful
Midweek television couldn't be worse at the moment if the next episode of Jeremy Kyle had him debating the minutiae of financial law whilst swearing fealty to Nick GriffinDW MegaAwful
Wasps are the worst invention since someone tried to superglue sliced bread back into a whole loafMegaAwful
The last Harry Potter film would be infinitely more exciting if Harry discovered a long lost spell that accidentally-on-purpose burnt off Ron's hairMegaAwful
The new Inbetweener's movie will be filled with more expletives than two Northern dockers having an argument over which formation is best for the England teamDW MegaAwful
If I was any wiser I probably would have seen the flaw in going to war armed with nothing but a blade of grass and a BibleDW MegaAwful
Environmentalists' policy on using only one square of toilet paper per visit is a lot more satisfying when draw David Cameron's face on it using your own faecesMegaAwful
Boxing couldn't be less exciting if Coldplay did the soundtrack, whilst David Cameron commentatedDW MegaAwful
Hitting that perfect shot in golf is like totally the perfect practice for my day job as an executioner manMegaAwful
Hit me 40 I'll die, hit me at 30 and I might live, but hit me at 90 and not only will you have a hell of a time scraping me off the windshield, my vapourised corpse might clog your air inletMegaAwful
Obi-Wan: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than the time I boosted a nuclear power plant using Sex PantherMegaAwful
Picked my nose so deep I pulled out all the stopsMegaAwful
Council fines are given out easier than Katie Price hands out wedding propositionsDW MegaAwful
Boxsets are taking over the world faster than I orgasm when I think of Emperor Palpatine's O-face whilst being taken roughly from behind by Elephant ManMegaAwful
Sometimes being sat on the toilet with diarrhea feels more satisfying than being told you are a Jedi whilst dismembering Jar Jar BinksMegaAwful
This gossip is juicier than the special happy time juice that erupts (as if from a particularly inky squid) from your mothers baby making partsMegaAwful
Sleeping on a hard floor couldn't be more uncomfortable if I was such a severe homophobe that I developed an allergy to woodDW MegaAwful
Just gave 9 pints of blood in one sitting and now I feel like not only can I fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee, I can also hover in mid air like a hummingbirdDW MegaAwful
Losing a fight to Justin Bieber would be like dropping the soap in prison - it's going to hurt, bleed and leave you feeling scarred for lifeMegaAwful
I like my women like I like my pigs - dirty, full bodied and always ready for a spitroastMegaAwful
This swimming pool contains so much chlorine it's like the designer took inspiration from Field Marshal Haig's 'Somme' yearsMegaAwful
I haven't panicked this much since I heard the key turn in the lock whilst dressed in my wife's underwear chasing a badger around the roomMegaAwful
It contains about as much bacteria as the raw sewage that flows through Paris Hilton's veinsMegaAwful
You couldn't be more perverted if got a lion to rape Wayne Rooney whilst you were sucked off by an anteaterDW MegaAwful
Momma always said life is like a kitten - warm and fluffy on the outside, sour and crunchy on the insideMegaAwful
Warning: German beansprouts may be deadlier than using a cobra in a whip-like manner to tame a coked-up velociraptorMegaAwful
Midas turns things into gold. You turn them into broken shells of the human beings they could have been if not for you... why, dad, WHY?!MegaAwful
My Bi-Polar friend is more up and down than a bungee rope made of flubberDW MegaAwful
Have you met my friend Jesus? He's just come out of a long term relationship and his confidence has taken a dent, can you please give him your number?MegaAwful
Just got beaten on Mario Kart by my five year old son and now feel like my guilty conscience is assuaged over the time I tried to sell him to the local zoo as foodMegaAwful
Well, that was more embarassing than the time someone shouted "STOP THAT THIEF" and in my panic I powerbombed an old lady so hard her pelvis shatteredDW MegaAwful
Just played tennis against The Hulk and now I feel like a donut - soft and squishy, with red stuff leaking out various holesDW MegaAwful
Call that a winner? I've seen real Winners calm people down with a much more patronising toneMegaAwful
She looked at me like I'd just descended from the Heavens on the mutilated carcasses of babiesMegaAwful
That was over so fast I thought I need to hit the sumbitch who told me thinking of the Pope makes it last longerMegaAwful
This Icelandic volcano is causing more disruption than **For legal reasons this message has been omitted due to a super injunction**DW MegaAwful
Yesterday's Rapture was more disappointing than sex with a 3 year old in a clownMegaAwful
You're such a noob you couldn't even walk on water if you were God's sonMegaAwful
When I die I want to go out like I'm a starfish, giving me a star-shaped coffin due to the wonders of rigor mortisDW MegaAwful
What the deuce? That's more revolting than the time I drowned a sack full of kiddies in that lake of puréed kittensMegaAwful
Early 19th century tampons looked like they were designed by a man who last saw a vagina at his own birth, and believed periods are a form of punctuationMegaAwful
My mother tried to abort me with a coathanger and I turned out like she got fisted by a tiger during pregnancyMegaAwful
After losing to Jedward at Eurovision, Blue must be frantically trying to call Harvey Lee Oswald to see if he's doing anything these daysMegaAwful
I haven't seen anything that disfigured since introduced that horde of zombies to my good friend Mr. ChainsawMegaAwful
You make me angrier than that time I accidentally used a cohort of mildly enraged termites instead of water in an enemaMegaAwful
I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like Stevie Wonder - black face paint, a long wig and a hideous pair of sunglassesMegaAwful
My youth is disappearing so fast it won't be long till I get to wear nappies againMegaAwful
When engaged in hand to hand combat there's nothing more humiliating than having both your hands fall offMegaAwful
If Amy Winehouse brought out a perfume it would be called White Lightning, sold by the gallonMegaAwful
Working on a weekend feels more wrong than touching little children... so that'll be two tickets to Heaven courtesy of the Pope thenMegaAwful
The Penatron 10000 robot left me more breathless than the time I had an pneumatic drill fall in to me during an earthquakeMegaAwful
The man in the lighthouse must be lonelier than Pluto felt after being rejected by his planetary chumsDW MegaAwful
Yellow snow tastes like someone's been drinking asparagus-laced bleachDW MegaAwful
When I heard Osama Bin Laden had been killed I laughed like the Pope just told a Madeleine McCann jokeMegaAwful
After so many bank holidays the prospect of going back to work is like the soothing embrace of a jellyfish - it numbs me to the core and leads directly to a premature deathMegaAwful
If my eyes were any closer together I would finally be able to see the damage my addiction has inflicted on my septumMegaAwful
I understand the AV voting system about as much as politicians understand the concept of honestyMegaAwful
Farting during the Royal Wedding would cause more of a scene than Philip peeling off a latex mask to reveal he is truly Hitler before launching an invasion of Mars to defeat the demonsDW MegaAwful
My forearms are so strong I could arm wrestle Russia whilst doing one-handed pressupsMegaAwful
You call this torture? You might as well cover me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbiansEP MegaAwful
I care as much about you as I do about the fate of the Ewok race as shards of Death Star devastate their planetMegaAwful
I've eaten so many Easter eggs, I feel like I'm the Easter Bunny's drug mule... Now just got to hope they don't pop in my stomach and cause me to ODMegaAwful
If I were a spy I'd be as subtle as the knife Prince Charles is planning on slipping between the Queen's ribsMegaAwful
When I showed up to that Bar Mitzvah I felt about as welcome as Pontius Pilate and Judas at the Pearly Gates caught in the middle of a blowjobMegaAwful
Can you turn down the light? It's brighter than the guy who realised that by combining a loaf of bread with a knife produces a sneaky way to murder someoneMegaAwful
Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than projectile vomiting so hard I catherine wheel out of the sheets and land face first in my own vomitMegaAwful
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like tomorrow you plan to deep throat a cooling rod from a nuclear reactorMegaAwful
The Royal Wedding would be infinitely more interesting if it turned into a last man standing match, with the winner picking up the crownMegaAwful
The Royal Wedding would be infinitely more interesting if Prince Philip was allowed to interrupt proceedings at any point to enlighten the world of his views of other racesMegaAwful
If I don't stop drinking whisky my liver will look like an 80 year old scrotum - small, shrivelled and starting to smellMegaAwful
Nicholas Cage's film career is has got more ups and downs than a manic depressive on a pogo stick using a yo-yoMegaAwful
If I ate a dolphin I would be more powerful than the legs of the orphan children I use to power my Castle of DoomMegaAwful
Since the accident my pet elephant has been more forgetful than a headless chicken who couldn't find her spectaclesMegaAwful
Just ran over my cat and now it's as dead as the childhood dreams of the hooker I accidentally locked in a chest freezerMegaAwful
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you had it shoved so far up your arse you could taste itMegaAwful
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been suplexed through a cattle gridDW EP MegaAwful
You want me to do what? I'd have more luck betting on a down and out boxer lasting the entire 15 rounds against the ChampMegaAwful
Where did you meet her? She looks like my old boxing gloves - sweaty and leathery, with fist-sized opening just waiting to be filledDW EP MegaAwful
If I got a tattoo I'd be more popular than Princess Diana's zombie at the Daily Express officeMegaAwful
This curry is so spicy it feels like it might be worth ripping my stomach open with a rusty spoon to avoid the inevitable ring of fireMegaAwful
Just been stung by a wasp and now my face has swollen up so bad it looks like I've been used as a blunt weapon to beat someone to deathDW MegaAwful
Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than Darth Vader in an S&M storeMegaAwful
Spring has sprung, the daffodils are out and I feel gayer than the glitter-dusted rainbow sneeze of a pastel pink unicorn being ridden by George MichaelMegaAwful
This inner ear infection is making me clumsier than a drunk 2-legged elephantMegaAwful
It's times like this I wish I was fireproof... stupid dragons...MegaAwful
Life through Charlie Sheen's eyes must be loonier than wearing kaleidoscope glasses whilst listening to "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" whilst popping acid like it's SkittlesMegaAwful
Petrol prices are to be slashed by 1p per litre? I haven't felt this underwhelmed since I heard someone describe WW1 as "a bit icky"DW MegaAwful
If I walked into a club looking any hotter people might mistake me for Scarlett JohanssonMegaAwful
This Orchid is rarer than finding a 12 year old who isn't a drug addicted, alcoholic sex maniacDW MegaAwful
My new armour offers me about as much protection as dancing on a hilltop clad only in tinfoil whilst cursing Zeus during a thunderstormDW MegaAwful
This jazz is smoother than the feeling of rubbing oil on baby's bottomsMegaAwful
Football couldn't be a duller sport if it was played by 22 statues on a beige pitchMegaAwful
Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as an eagle with early onset feather lossMegaAwful
Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm feeling more neurotic than a squirrel that's been partying with Charlie SheenDW MegaAwful
For missing the sentence start again the creators of Megaphores are sorrier than I felt after turning up to the paedophile convention in fancy dressMegaAwful
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's Maggie Thatcher's funeralMegaAwful
This family heirloom has been passed down through generations and is worth more than the contents of a gappies arse as he's leaving CambodiaMegaAwful
I forgot to buy milk so my pancakes ended up stodgier than school dinnersMegaAwful
When I was a teenager I had more spots than an acne ridden leopardMegaAwful
My phone is so outdated it makes Conservative economic policy seem contemporaryMegaAwful
Getting dressed in the dark is more of a struggle than preventing the children telling their parents the truth about youMegaAwful
I was slapped so hard I thought I'd just made a Holocaust joke in a synagogueMegaAwful
That guy has the dancing abilities of a human centipedeMegaAwful
My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like we should have used a condomMegaAwful
When I'm finished with you your face will look like the south end of a north facing horseMegaAwful
This towel is so rough it's like Amy Winehouse got impregnated by some sandpaperMegaAwful
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather felch horse semen out of a cowMegaAwful
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than being beaten at pinball by a deaf, dumb and blind kidMegaAwful
Just found £1 in the street and now I'm as excited as Admiral Ackbar in an ambushDW MegaAwful
When the probe was inserted I felt as if the medical for being a choir boy was surprisingly rigorousMegaAwful
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a fish having some "personal time"MegaAwful
Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like George Michael's schlong after a night outMegaAwful
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost mistook you for the lovechild of Tommy Cooper and Tim VineMegaAwful
Just one lottery win and I will be as rich as Emperor Palpatine was after his multiple insurance claimsMegaAwful
Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like a Bath Spa student to learn the alphabetMegaAwful
I wish I hadn't had that curry last night. My anus feels like I got a rimjob from a dragonMegaAwful
Is it me or does that look weirder than the platypus from Weirdsville who just graduated from the University of Weird with a 1st in WeirdomMegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than Lloyd Christmas and Harry DunneMegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than a CreationistMegaAwful
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than a Redneck retaking primary school for the 18th timeMegaAwful
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Paris Hilton graduating from high schoolMegaAwful
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder it would be called the Laurel and Nipple showMegaAwful
That drunken text was a worse idea than doing a 500ft bungee jump with a 600ft bungeeEP MegaAwful
It's the weekend and I'm randier than Princess Leia at a family reunionMegaAwful
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like wiping your arse with a babyMegaAwful
 
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