Metaphors and Similes never looked so good
User profile for zeugma
Total submissions: 60
Daily Wins: 11
Editors Picks: 7
Megaphails: 0
Average score: 72%
All submissions by zeugma
If Clumsy Joe and Calamity Jane made a porn film it would be like totally be called bumping uglies DW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If David Cameron was any more of a ball bag he would be issued to every school as standard PE equipmentMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I haven't seen anything that disfigured since Doctor Who's "the Ood" had their faces introduced to a sausage mincer DW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like Mel Gibson on a tequila fueled rampage, and just like Mel, she's blaming it all on the JewsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My youth is disappearing so fast it won't be long till I'll be able to make up stories about my childhood "living with the dinosaurs" to my grandkidsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When engaged in hand to hand combat there's nothing more humiliating than having your corpse teabagged by the victor's hairy scrotumDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If my eyes were any closer together I would be able to go on britain's got incest for a chance to perform for jeremy kyleMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
After so many bank holidays the prospect of going back to work is like oh wait sorry I need to actually have a job to understand this oneMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Farting during the Royal Wedding would cause more of a scene than if William gave the vows he wrote after those 6 doses of LSDMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You call this torture? You might as well castrate me now . . wait. .what are you doing with that mini guillotine?MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I showed up to that Bar Mitzvah I felt about as welcome as a german plumber who just popped by to check the sprinkler systemDW EP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like an epileptic at a daft punk lightshowMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If Paris is the city of love then Hull is the arsehole in the dark of the valley of the shadow of despair long past the cliffs of misery and the abyss of regretDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Since the accident my pet elephant has been more forgetful than an alzheimers patient who . . . to get to the other sideDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just ran over my cat and now it's as dead as my dreams of finding something I can't masturbate overDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you found out the filling was tiger blood and Susan Boyle's gash fromage EP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been told I would have to sit through a 89 hour Bieber - a - thonMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Spring has sprung, the daffodils are out and I feel gayer than the time I was bi-winning at professor fancypants emporium of velourMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than some overworked and underpaid alphabetty spaghetti stored between sweaty betty's dirty bellowsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This inner ear infection is making me clumsier than a tiger on charlie sheen blood in china shopDW MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
If I got a tattoo I'd be more popular than a firebreathing lightning throw lazer shooting intergalactic sombrero monkeyMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Just been stung by a wasp and now my face has swollen up so bad it looks like the elephant man's tumours took a holiday to the delightful country of my faceMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as a shar pei on chemo medsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I'm more nervous for this interview than the time I forgot the safe word and she pulled out a 12" black strap onMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I forgot to buy milk so my pancakes ended up stodgier than my girlfriends yeast infectionEP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This family heirloom has been passed down through generations and is worth more than Bieber's assassination warrantMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Getting dressed in the dark is more of a struggle than katie price stopping her son from raping herMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
I was slapped so hard I thought , "and this is why you have to stay in the kitchen"MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
This hot knife cuts through butter like Zidane's head through Marco Materazzi's chestMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like the result of a spastic colonMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of not just any turd, but a freshly laid, extra nutty, fairtrade, M&S turdEP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Libya is in more of a mess than that prostitute I put through the woodchipperDW EP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That guy has the dancing abilities of a epileptic dwarf after sitting through a 9 hour marathon of the 2012 games advertsMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
When I'm finished with you your face will look like the elephant man after a vicious dog attackMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider would be cooler than the following 15 secs where Parker ran around screaming "get it off me, get it off me!"MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a Thai ladyboy's back pussyEP MegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Justin Bieber is more annoying than the go compare twat giving you a personal concert for 28 days straightMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Forgot to buy a Valentine's Day card and now I'm in more trouble than the time I gave her an amish snowplow, an angry pirate and a brown trout in the same nightMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather not go to your clown fetish circle jerkMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost think you almost certainly stole it from a certain well known inappropriate joke websiteMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
That chatup line was more of a failure than attempting to host a coolest ginger competitionMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder they'd have a 3rd dan...eachMegaAwesomeMegaAwful
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Working on a weekend feels more wrong than paying £1.37 for a litre of petrolConcerned parent34%