megaphoresMetaphors and Similes never looked so good

User profile for zeugma

Total submissions: 59
Daily Wins: 11
Editors Picks: 7
Megaphails: 0
Average score: 69%

All submissions by zeugma

Her face is so old it looks like her fanny would be hauntedMegaAwful
If Clumsy Joe and Calamity Jane made a porn film it would be like totally be called bumping uglies DW MegaAwful
If David Cameron was any more of a ball bag he would be issued to every school as standard PE equipmentMegaAwful
She looked at me like I'd just defecated on her wedding dressMegaAwful
I haven't seen anything that disfigured since Doctor Who's "the Ood" had their faces introduced to a sausage mincer DW MegaAwful
You make me angrier than a footie fan when you tell them "it's only a game"MegaAwful
I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like Mel Gibson on a tequila fueled rampage, and just like Mel, she's blaming it all on the JewsMegaAwful
My youth is disappearing so fast it won't be long till I'll be able to make up stories about my childhood "living with the dinosaurs" to my grandkidsMegaAwful
When engaged in hand to hand combat there's nothing more humiliating than having your corpse teabagged by the victor's hairy scrotumDW MegaAwful
If my eyes were any closer together I would be able to go on britain's got incest for a chance to perform for jeremy kyleMegaAwful
After so many bank holidays the prospect of going back to work is like oh wait sorry I need to actually have a job to understand this oneMegaAwful
Farting during the Royal Wedding would cause more of a scene than if William gave the vows he wrote after those 6 doses of LSDMegaAwful
My forearms are so strong I could turn HULK SMASH! into HULK pulpMegaAwful
You call this torture? You might as well castrate me now . . wait. .what are you doing with that mini guillotine?MegaAwful
When I showed up to that Bar Mitzvah I felt about as welcome as a german plumber who just popped by to check the sprinkler systemDW EP MegaAwful
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like an epileptic at a daft punk lightshowMegaAwful
If Paris is the city of love then Hull is the arsehole in the dark of the valley of the shadow of despair long past the cliffs of misery and the abyss of regretDW MegaAwful
Since the accident my pet elephant has been more forgetful than an alzheimers patient who . . . to get to the other sideDW MegaAwful
When it comes to dating I'm as shallow as Michael Barrymore's paddling poolDW MegaAwful
Just ran over my cat and now it's as dead as my dreams of finding something I can't masturbate overDW MegaAwful
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you found out the filling was tiger blood and Susan Boyle's gash fromage EP MegaAwful
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been told I would have to sit through a 89 hour Bieber - a - thonMegaAwful
Car insurance has become more over priced than a one legged divorceeMegaAwful
Spring has sprung, the daffodils are out and I feel gayer than the time I was bi-winning at professor fancypants emporium of velourMegaAwful
Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than some overworked and underpaid alphabetty spaghetti stored between sweaty betty's dirty bellowsMegaAwful
This inner ear infection is making me clumsier than a tiger on charlie sheen blood in china shopDW MegaAwful
If I got a tattoo I'd be more popular than a firebreathing lightning throw lazer shooting intergalactic sombrero monkeyMegaAwful
Just been stung by a wasp and now my face has swollen up so bad it looks like the elephant man's tumours took a holiday to the delightful country of my faceMegaAwful
Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as a shar pei on chemo medsMegaAwful
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's hooters just declared a topless happy hourMegaAwful
If I'm going to do this I'll need more balls than a one eyed eunuchDW EP MegaAwful
I'm more nervous for this interview than the time I forgot the safe word and she pulled out a 12" black strap onMegaAwful
I forgot to buy milk so my pancakes ended up stodgier than my girlfriends yeast infectionEP MegaAwful
This family heirloom has been passed down through generations and is worth more than Bieber's assassination warrantMegaAwful
Getting dressed in the dark is more of a struggle than katie price stopping her son from raping herMegaAwful
My phone is so outdated it was an old prop in one of charlie chaplin's moviesMegaAwful
I was slapped so hard I thought , "and this is why you have to stay in the kitchen"MegaAwful
This hot knife cuts through butter like Zidane's head through Marco Materazzi's chestMegaAwful
My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like the result of a spastic colonMegaAwful
A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of not just any turd, but a freshly laid, extra nutty, fairtrade, M&S turdEP MegaAwful
Libya is in more of a mess than that prostitute I put through the woodchipperDW EP MegaAwful
That guy has the dancing abilities of a epileptic dwarf after sitting through a 9 hour marathon of the 2012 games advertsMegaAwful
When I'm finished with you your face will look like the elephant man after a vicious dog attackMegaAwful
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider would be cooler than the following 15 secs where Parker ran around screaming "get it off me, get it off me!"MegaAwful
Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a Thai ladyboy's back pussyEP MegaAwful
Justin Bieber is more annoying than the go compare twat giving you a personal concert for 28 days straightMegaAwful
That guy? He's about as manly as JLS condomsMegaAwful
Forgot to buy a Valentine's Day card and now I'm in more trouble than the time I gave her an amish snowplow, an angry pirate and a brown trout in the same nightMegaAwful
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather not go to your clown fetish circle jerkMegaAwful
My hangover is so bad I feel like I must have Jitsu tomorrow morningMegaAwful
Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like it needs more ketchupMegaAwful
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than an otter's pocketMegaAwful
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost think you almost certainly stole it from a certain well known inappropriate joke websiteMegaAwful
This box of freshly picked apples is like that box of dead babies in my garageMegaAwful
That chatup line was more of a failure than attempting to host a coolest ginger competitionMegaAwful
Is it me or does that look weirder than Max Mosley on a Friday night.MegaAwful
That drunken text was a worse idea than ignoring that lump on my right bollockMegaAwful
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder they'd have a 3rd dan...eachMegaAwful
It's the weekend and I'm randier than David Carradine in a plastic bag factoryMegaAwful
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