megaphoresMetaphors and Similes never looked so good

Top 100 of all time

DW = Daily winner EP = Editors Pick MP = MegaPhail

1.Selfie sticks are more annoying than A mosquito bite under your chastity beltDW MegaAwful
2.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like being rimmed by a kittenMegaAwful
Malevolent100%Comments (0) Report
3.Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than waking up to the tender spooning and gentle whispers of my drunk dad..DW EP MegaAwful
4.I'm going to punch you so hard you'll be shitting teethDW MegaAwful
5.Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a cucumber in a womens prisonMegaAwful
6.Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like you didn't listen.MegaAwful
7.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than ...hang on...could you repeat the question please?MegaAwful
8.Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather practice mooking with your great grandmother...DW MegaAwful
9.Where did you meet her? She looks like she's made out of elbow skinEP MegaAwful
10.Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like the morning breath of the 2010 Rimming World Champion, hobo category...DW MegaAwful
11.A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been suplexed through a cattle gridDW EP MegaAwful
12.That drunken text was a worse idea than doing a 500ft bungee jump with a 600ft bungeeEP MegaAwful
13.I wish I hadn't had that curry last night. My anus feels like It could have been used in 'Nam to save on napalm.DW MegaAwful
Hank the Yank95%Comments (0) Report
14.It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Even chuck Norris wouldn't fuck with emMegaAwful
15.Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than Darth Vader in an S&M storeMegaAwful
16.This towel is so rough it's like the stubble you feel when your Grandma kisses youDW MegaAwful
Cunning Stunt94%Comments (1) Report
17.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like butter had an affair with a silk worm and produced sheets of grotesquely comfy childrenEP MegaAwful
The Gritty Chimp94%Comments (1) Report
18.That drunken text was a worse idea than trying to find out if it is possible to use your blanket as a parachute.MegaAwful
19.No way could you do that. You've got more chance of being deepthroated by a nunMegaAwful
Mr. Porky94%Comments (0) Report
20.Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than being beaten at pinball by a deaf, dumb and blind kidMegaAwful
21.That joke made me laugh so hard I almost made those adult nappies worth every pennyMegaAwful
incontinent93%Comments (0) Report
22.Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a Thai ladyboy's back pussyEP MegaAwful
23.That guy? He's about as manly as graham norton holding a strawberry cornetto....DW MegaAwful
tommy fletch93%Comments (1) Report
24.I forgot to buy milk so my pancakes ended up stodgier than the waste from a liposuction clinicDW MegaAwful
25.It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder I would start to lactate ice cream.EP MegaAwful
26.If Paris is the city of love then Hull is an alleyway bukake session with your mum...EP MegaAwful
27.It's the weekend and I'm randier than mayfly with a curfew.MegaAwful
ColonelT93%Comments (0) Report
28.If I don't stop drinking whisky my liver will look like im staging a re-enactment of the rectum of 1 guy 1 cup.EP MegaAwful
29.That bang was so loud I thought I'd probably broken her jaw...teach her to burn dinner...DW EP MegaAwful
30.If I ate a dolphin I would be more powerful than Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater.DW EP MegaAwful
31.My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like I'm raising the next Charles Bronson!MegaAwful
H.M.P Wakefield Bound92%Comments (0) Report
32.When the probe was inserted I felt as if I was finally home. Finally home..DW EP MegaAwful
33.Spring has sprung, the daffodils are out and I feel gayer than the time I accidentally turned to gay porn during the 'vinegar strokes'MegaAwful
Hit the roof!92%Comments (0) Report
34.When I first gazed into your eyes it was like the fact you were a video game character wasn't holding us back any longerEP MegaAwful
35.My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like we should have used a condomMegaAwful
36.Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than a ginger person without any.... no, no just a ginger personDW MegaAwful
37.When the probe was inserted I felt as if the medical for being a choir boy was surprisingly rigorousMegaAwful
38.This towel is so rough it's like falling on astroturf, naked.EP MegaAwful
savemejebus92%Comments (1) Report
39.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like England's defence at the last world cup - expensive, crap and easy to poke your finger through. MegaAwful
40.Just found £1 in the street and now I'm as excited as a Scotsman that found a halfpennyMegaAwful
41.That drunken text was a worse idea than going swimming with Michael Barrymore.MegaAwful
42.My phone is so outdated it was originally on a list of that year's greatest innovations, along with 'the wheel' and 'fire'EP MegaAwful
toby larone92%Comments (1) Report
43.When I'm finished with you your face will look like a tiger and it will cost £3. All proceeds go to Comic ReliefMegaAwful
Face Painter92%Comments (0) Report
44.Where did you meet her? She looks like my old boxing gloves - sweaty and leathery, with fist-sized opening just waiting to be filledDW EP MegaAwful
45.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like every wipe that precede this one was steel woolMegaAwful
46.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than Harvey Price trying to count to bananaMegaAwful
MedShental92%Comments (0) Report
47.When I first gazed into your eyes it was like my oculophilia had reached dizzying new heights.DW MegaAwful
48.That bang was so loud I thought I'd hit that child at 40, but thankfully it was only 30 so there's an 80% chance they will liveMegaAwful
49.Anne Hathaway in a cat suit is like the icing on the cake, except the cake is just icing, and suddenly there's icing all over everything.DW EP MegaAwful
James Duval92%Comments (2) Report
50.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like wiping your ass with Bon Jovi's hair.DW MegaAwful
51.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the sweet sweet embrace of a freshly shaved unicornDW MegaAwful
Adult Swim91%Comments (0) Report
52.Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather re-enact 1 man 1 jar, live in front of all my family and friendsMegaAwful
medshent91%Comments (0) Report
53.That joke made me laugh so hard I almost got kicked out that funeralMegaAwful
54.Libya is in more of a mess than that prostitute I put through the woodchipperDW EP MegaAwful
55.My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like he needs to find a new foster home immediatelyMegaAwful
tenacious g91%Comments (0) Report
56.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than George Dubya Bush misunderarticulating one of his own Bushism's....DW MegaAwful
57.If I'm going to do this I'll need more balls than a one eyed eunuchDW EP MegaAwful
58.That model is so hot I would use my EXPENSIVE paints on this one! Maybe I'd even flock the base and show it off at Games Workshop!EP MegaAwful
Lollodon XI91%Comments (1) Report
59.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the touch of a hand wearing a satin glove.EP MegaAwful
60.Just been stung by a wasp and now my face has swollen up so bad it looks like the Bride of Wildenstein after a knife fighting exercise at Bath Uni Jitsu Club....EP MegaAwful
61.A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you were lactose intolerant, a diabetic, and had a wheat allergy.DW EP MegaAwful
62.That joke made me laugh so hard I almost certainly think you stole it from someone funnier than you.DW MegaAwful
63.For missing the sentence start again the creators of Megaphores are sorrier than my pet rabbit will be for ruining my soupEP MegaAwful
64.Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like trying to make it to the end of Final Fantasy 7 with Aeris still aliveMegaAwful
65.My phone is so outdated it comes with an over the shoulder carry strapEP MegaAwful
headfucker90%Comments (1) Report
66.My phone is so outdated it came out as a revolutionary alternative to cups and stringMegaAwful
67.Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather cry myself to sleep in the comfort of my own space podMegaAwful
68.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like licking butter off a butterfly's buttock.MegaAwful
69.No way could you do that. You've got more chance of finding a one ended stickDW MegaAwful
Addy199190%Comments (1) Report
70.That drunken text was a worse idea than not sharing a Tesco's Finest pizza with your neighbour...MegaAwful
Too Soon90%Comments (0) Report
71.When I first gazed into your eyes it was like "get out the way I'm trying to look at your mate"MegaAwful
72.That bang was so loud I thought "Oh ho ho Mr. Microwave, how deep your sense of irony must run after cooking my platter of silver trout."EP MegaAwful
73.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than George Bush trying to point out Iraq on an inflatable globe with his toy rocket shipMegaAwful
74.Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm incapalbe fo evn teh simlpest fo tskasMegaAwful
75.I wish I hadn't had that curry last night. My anus feels like someone has administered a 1001 hanbanero laced paper cuts... MegaAwful
76.Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as Justin Beiber's ballsackDW MegaAwful
77.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than a Redneck retaking primary school for the 18th timeMegaAwful
78.My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like Mr. Freddy the punishment wrench is coming out againDW MegaAwful
79.Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm feeling more neurotic than a squirrel that's been partying with Charlie SheenDW MegaAwful
80.This box of freshly picked apples is like THE most premature cider possibleMegaAwful
Grasshopper 89%Comments (0) Report
81.That drunken text was a worse idea than that one time we decided to holiday in Vietnam and all those Yanks showed up..MegaAwful
Rikki Sixx89%Comments (0) Report
82.Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm putting my shin on a belt sander and laughing maniacallyMegaAwful
83.It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Harvey Price would think I was an Etch-a-SketchDW MegaAwful
84.I couldn't be happier if an old bearded man in a brown dressing gown told me I needed to become a Jedi like my fatherDW MegaAwful
85.Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than the time I tried to wank left handedMegaAwful
86.When I'm finished with you your face will look like A Picasso painting he'd done whilst suffering a strokeDW MegaAwful
D. Hockney87%Comments (1) Report
87.Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a spring that has been stretched past it's elastic limitEP MegaAwful
88.Spring has sprung, the daffodils are out and I feel gayer than that time I got asked how many cocks I could fit in my mouth and replied " garglefhhthgargle".DW MegaAwful
89.Justin Bieber is more annoying than having a stiffy on a Glynn Williams coach full of nunsDW MegaAwful
90.Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Sian Massey understanding the offside rule...MegaAwful
91.Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Michael Jackon's superb doctor.MegaAwful
Rikki Sixx87%Comments (0) Report
92.Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like fapping until you are just about to splooge and then stoppingMegaAwful
93.It's times like this I wish I was hung like Jeremy BeadleDW MegaAwful
Small Hands87%Comments (1) Report
94.I was slapped so hard I thought I'd never taste your girlfriend again.EP MegaAwful
Anton DeWitt87%Comments (1) Report
95.Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather spend the evening searching Google for tubgirl, meatspin, blue waffle, pain olympics and 2 girls 1 cupMegaAwful
96.Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather gargle the contents of my gran's colostomy bagMegaAwful
97.My phone is so outdated it consists of a fire and a blanketDW MegaAwful
98.Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like each individual tastebud in my mouth got a massage WITH happy endingMegaAwful
99.Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like the Flash's nuts after a hard day of runnin!MegaAwful
crow_dreamer87%Comments (0) Report
100.When the probe was inserted I felt as if that time I put the gerbil up there was nothing in comparisonMegaAwful
 
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