megaphoresMetaphors and Similes never looked so good

Top 100 of all time

DW = Daily winner EP = Editors Pick MP = MegaPhail

1.Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a cucumber in a womens prisonMegaAwful
2.That drunken text was a worse idea than doing a 500ft bungee jump with a 600ft bungeeEP MegaAwful
3.If I were a spy I'd be as subtle as a fart in a libraryMegaAwful
4.Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like you didn't listen.MegaAwful
5.Selfie sticks are more annoying than A mosquito bite under your chastity beltDW MegaAwful
6.That guy? He's about as manly as graham norton holding a strawberry cornetto....DW MegaAwful
tommy fletch96%Comments (0) Report
7.I'm going to punch you so hard you'll be shitting teethDW MegaAwful
8.Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather practice mooking with your great grandmother...DW MegaAwful
9.Where did you meet her? She looks like she's made out of elbow skinEP MegaAwful
10.No way could you do that. You've got more chance of being deepthroated by a nunMegaAwful
Mr. Porky95%Comments (0) Report
11.This towel is so rough it's like the stubble you feel when your Grandma kisses youDW MegaAwful
Cunning Stunt95%Comments (0) Report
12.That joke made me laugh so hard I almost made those adult nappies worth every pennyMegaAwful
incontinent94%Comments (0) Report
13.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like being rimmed by a kittenMegaAwful
Malevolent94%Comments (0) Report
14.Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than Darth Vader in an S&M storeMegaAwful
15.Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than waking up to the tender spooning and gentle whispers of my drunk dad..DW EP MegaAwful
16.It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder I would start to lactate ice cream.EP MegaAwful
17.It's the weekend and I'm randier than mayfly with a curfew.MegaAwful
ColonelT94%Comments (0) Report
18.I forgot to buy milk so my pancakes ended up stodgier than the waste from a liposuction clinicDW MegaAwful
19.It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Even chuck Norris wouldn't fuck with emMegaAwful
20.If Paris is the city of love then Hull is an alleyway bukake session with your mum...EP MegaAwful
21.This towel is so rough it's like falling on astroturf, naked.EP MegaAwful
savemejebus93%Comments (0) Report
22.Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like the morning breath of the 2010 Rimming World Champion, hobo category...DW MegaAwful
23.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like wiping your ass with Bon Jovi's hair.DW MegaAwful
24.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like butter had an affair with a silk worm and produced sheets of grotesquely comfy childrenEP MegaAwful
The Gritty Chimp92%Comments (0) Report
25.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like England's defence at the last world cup - expensive, crap and easy to poke your finger through. MegaAwful
26.My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like we should have used a condomMegaAwful
27.Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than being beaten at pinball by a deaf, dumb and blind kidMegaAwful
28.That drunken text was a worse idea than going swimming with Michael Barrymore.MegaAwful
29.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than Harvey Price trying to count to bananaMegaAwful
MedShental92%Comments (0) Report
30.Where did you meet her? She looks like my old boxing gloves - sweaty and leathery, with fist-sized opening just waiting to be filledDW EP MegaAwful
31.Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a Thai ladyboy's back pussyEP MegaAwful
32.When the probe was inserted I felt as if I was finally home. Finally home..DW EP MegaAwful
33.Anne Hathaway in a cat suit is like the icing on the cake, except the cake is just icing, and suddenly there's icing all over everything.DW EP MegaAwful
James Duval91%Comments (0) Report
34.That drunken text was a worse idea than trying to find out if it is possible to use your blanket as a parachute.MegaAwful
35.Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like trying to make it to the end of Final Fantasy 7 with Aeris still aliveMegaAwful
36.When I first gazed into your eyes it was like the fact you were a video game character wasn't holding us back any longerEP MegaAwful
37.Just found £1 in the street and now I'm as excited as a Scotsman that found a halfpennyMegaAwful
38.I wish I hadn't had that curry last night. My anus feels like It could have been used in 'Nam to save on napalm.DW MegaAwful
Hank the Yank91%Comments (0) Report
39.That bang was so loud I thought I'd probably broken her jaw...teach her to burn dinner...DW EP MegaAwful
40.My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like I'm raising the next Charles Bronson!MegaAwful
H.M.P Wakefield Bound91%Comments (0) Report
41.If I ate a dolphin I would be more powerful than Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater.DW EP MegaAwful
42.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the sweet sweet embrace of a freshly shaved unicornDW MegaAwful
Adult Swim91%Comments (0) Report
43.My phone is so outdated it was originally on a list of that year's greatest innovations, along with 'the wheel' and 'fire'EP MegaAwful
toby larone91%Comments (0) Report
44.When I first gazed into your eyes it was like my oculophilia had reached dizzying new heights.DW MegaAwful
45.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like every wipe that precede this one was steel woolMegaAwful
46.That drunken text was a worse idea than not sharing a Tesco's Finest pizza with your neighbour...MegaAwful
Too Soon90%Comments (0) Report
47.My phone is so outdated it comes with an over the shoulder carry strapEP MegaAwful
headfucker90%Comments (0) Report
48.A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been suplexed through a cattle gridDW EP MegaAwful
49.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than ...hang on...could you repeat the question please?MegaAwful
50.Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather re-enact 1 man 1 jar, live in front of all my family and friendsMegaAwful
medshent90%Comments (0) Report
51.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the touch of a hand wearing a satin glove.EP MegaAwful
52.That joke made me laugh so hard I almost certainly think you stole it from someone funnier than you.DW MegaAwful
53.That model is so hot I would use my EXPENSIVE paints on this one! Maybe I'd even flock the base and show it off at Games Workshop!EP MegaAwful
Lollodon XI90%Comments (0) Report
54.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than George Dubya Bush misunderarticulating one of his own Bushism's....DW MegaAwful
55.Libya is in more of a mess than that prostitute I put through the woodchipperDW EP MegaAwful
56.When the probe was inserted I felt as if the medical for being a choir boy was surprisingly rigorousMegaAwful
57.This Orchid is rarer than rocking horse shitMegaAwful
58.This box of freshly picked apples is like THE most premature cider possibleMegaAwful
Grasshopper 89%Comments (0) Report
59.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than a Redneck retaking primary school for the 18th timeMegaAwful
60.Just been stung by a wasp and now my face has swollen up so bad it looks like the Bride of Wildenstein after a knife fighting exercise at Bath Uni Jitsu Club....EP MegaAwful
61.Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather cry myself to sleep in the comfort of my own space podMegaAwful
62.If I don't stop drinking whisky my liver will look like im staging a re-enactment of the rectum of 1 guy 1 cup.EP MegaAwful
63.Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than a ginger person without any.... no, no just a ginger personDW MegaAwful
64.If I'm going to do this I'll need more balls than a one eyed eunuchDW EP MegaAwful
65.My phone is so outdated it came out as a revolutionary alternative to cups and stringMegaAwful
66.Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as Justin Beiber's ballsackDW MegaAwful
67.For missing the sentence start again the creators of Megaphores are sorrier than my pet rabbit will be for ruining my soupEP MegaAwful
68.Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm feeling more neurotic than a squirrel that's been partying with Charlie SheenDW MegaAwful
69.That bang was so loud I thought "Oh ho ho Mr. Microwave, how deep your sense of irony must run after cooking my platter of silver trout."EP MegaAwful
70.No way could you do that. You've got more chance of finding a one ended stickDW MegaAwful
Addy199189%Comments (0) Report
71.This toilet tissue is so soft it's like licking butter off a butterfly's buttock.MegaAwful
72.When I first gazed into your eyes it was like "get out the way I'm trying to look at your mate"MegaAwful
73.If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than George Bush trying to point out Iraq on an inflatable globe with his toy rocket shipMegaAwful
74.That joke made me laugh so hard I almost forgot it was about my small penis :(MegaAwful
Mr Mistoffelees88%Comments (0) Report
75.My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like Mr. Freddy the punishment wrench is coming out againDW MegaAwful
76.It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Harvey Price would think I was an Etch-a-SketchDW MegaAwful
77.My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like he needs to find a new foster home immediatelyMegaAwful
tenacious g88%Comments (0) Report
78.Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm incapalbe fo evn teh simlpest fo tskasMegaAwful
79.Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than the time I tried to wank left handedMegaAwful
80.No way could you do that. You've got more chance of using that expired condom you keep in your wallet 'just incase'EP MegaAwful
81.That drunken text was a worse idea than that one time we decided to holiday in Vietnam and all those Yanks showed up..MegaAwful
Rikki Sixx88%Comments (0) Report
82.Justin Bieber is more annoying than having a stiffy on a Glynn Williams coach full of nunsDW MegaAwful
83.That bang was so loud I thought I'd hit that child at 40, but thankfully it was only 30 so there's an 80% chance they will liveMegaAwful
84.Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than being a 30 year old virgin in a free bar on the last day of a Club 18-30 holiday. MegaAwful
85.I was slapped so hard I thought I'd never taste your girlfriend again.EP MegaAwful
Anton DeWitt87%Comments (0) Report
86.My phone is so outdated it doesnt even have Snake!EP MegaAwful
87.When I'm finished with you your face will look like A Picasso painting he'd done whilst suffering a strokeDW MegaAwful
D. Hockney87%Comments (0) Report
88.Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm putting my shin on a belt sander and laughing maniacallyMegaAwful
89.My five year old son painted me a picture at school and it looks like that poor bastard was scarred for life when he caught me mummy daddy dancing with his teacher, in the middle of classMegaAwful
C. Harper87%Comments (0) Report
90.That guy? He's about as manly as JLS condomsMegaAwful
91.When I'm finished with you your face will look like a tiger and it will cost £3. All proceeds go to Comic ReliefMegaAwful
Face Painter87%Comments (0) Report
92.Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Michael Jackon's superb doctor.MegaAwful
Rikki Sixx87%Comments (0) Report
93.Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like fapping until you are just about to splooge and then stoppingMegaAwful
94.Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather spend the evening searching Google for tubgirl, meatspin, blue waffle, pain olympics and 2 girls 1 cupMegaAwful
95.My phone is so outdated it consists of a fire and a blanketDW MegaAwful
96.That bang was so loud I thought my intestines couldn't handle the Krakatoa like pressures. Note to self: No more 'Indian Chicken Curry'...EP MegaAwful
97.Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a spring that has been stretched past it's elastic limitEP MegaAwful
98.Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like the Flash's nuts after a hard day of runnin!MegaAwful
crow_dreamer87%Comments (0) Report
99.Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like each individual tastebud in my mouth got a massage WITH happy endingMegaAwful
100.I couldn't be happier if an old bearded man in a brown dressing gown told me I needed to become a Jedi like my fatherDW MegaAwful
 
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