I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

No way could you do that. You've got more chance of oscar pistorius catching athletes foot

No way could you do that. You've got more chance of being deepthroated by a nun

No way could you do that. You've got more chance of finding a one ended stick

No way could you do that. You've got more chance You've got more chance than being kicked by a snake

No way could you do that. You've got more chance Shoving cooked spaghetti up a mountain lion’s ass

No way could you do that. You've got more chance of using that expired condom you keep in your wallet 'just incase'