I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

You are so bald tiny aliens may land there for a wee break.

You are so bald magpies try and collect your head

You are so bald that when you put your head between your legs it looks like your giving birth to a cancer patient

You are so bald lice have put a life time ban on your head

You are so bald that you probably pee sitting down