I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

This box of freshly picked apples is like the blue man group in camouflage hiding from the constabulary

This box of freshly picked apples is like THE most premature cider possible

This box of freshly picked apples is like telling the doctor to 'go effing screw yourself'...

This box of freshly picked apples is like that box of dead babies in my garage

This box of freshly picked apples is like a constant phallic reminder of my insatiable virility

This box of freshly picked apples is like a chernobyl survivor's scrotum