I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like Mel Gibson on a tequila fueled rampage, and just like Mel, she's blaming it all on the Jews

I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like a crippled antelope with one eye wearing oven gloves

I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like she's not used to having a gun pressed against the base of her skull

I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like she attended the Mario Kart School of Motoring

I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like Stevie Wonder - black face paint, a long wig and a hideous pair of sunglasses

I hate being the passenger when my wife drives. She drives like a woman.