I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

That drunken text was a worse idea than hiding Shannon Matthews in a bed

That drunken text was a worse idea than doing a 500ft bungee jump with a 600ft bungee

That drunken text was a worse idea than Cora Berger's latest boob augmentation

That drunken text was a worse idea than not sharing a Tesco's Finest pizza with your neighbour...

That drunken text was a worse idea than trying to find out if it is possible to use your blanket as a parachute.

That drunken text was a worse idea than going swimming with Michael Barrymore.