I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of not just any turd, but a freshly laid, extra nutty, fairtrade, M&S turd

A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of a runny dog turd that's been left in the air for a while, slightly crispy outside with a warm goo centre.

A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of any other 12 year old girl, we're not racist here you know

A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of a lightly toasted widgety grub

A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of a baby's head

A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of a good stiff log from someone with a high fibre diet, who eats lots of nuts