I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

Where did you meet her? She looks like she's made out of elbow skin

Where did you meet her? She looks like my old boxing gloves - sweaty and leathery, with fist-sized opening just waiting to be filled

Where did you meet her? She looks like she could suck a basketball through a tennis racket

Where did you meet her? She looks like the girl from "German Scat Whores III"

Where did you meet her? She looks like she's far too good for you. Why don't you be a good lad and introduce us.

Where did you meet her? She looks like my mate Brian.. who I haven't actually seen since that 'operation' he mentioned...