I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

Watching Eastenders every day must be like grinding your teeth into a fine dust and rubbing them into your food instead of just eating it.

Watching Eastenders every day must be like breaking both your ankles and wrists while tripping over and then drowning in a puddle

Watching Eastenders every day must be like listening to the Magic Roundabout theme tune at 300db for four years straight