I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

Football couldn't be a duller sport if they wore helmets & padding, started throwing the ball around, and took breaks every 10 mins to stuff their yank faces

Football couldn't be a duller sport if every Half Time entertainment was delivered by Gordon Brown

Football couldn't be a duller sport if inbetween each of Newcastle United's vast array of unforced errors, they qutoed a 100 line soliloquy

Football couldn't be a duller sport if it was played by 22 statues on a beige pitch

Football couldn't be a duller sport if it was a magical fairy breeding ground, sprinkled with snow drops and hugs and puppys

Football couldn't be a duller sport if it was volleyball