I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a dog with two dicks.

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I'm so old I feel like I could make Monty Burns look like a newly born

I'm so old I feel like a hungover Walter Breuning

I'm so old I feel like my bones are made of breadsticks

I'm so old I feel like I'm pissing a cannonball when I go

I'm so old I feel like my colostomy bag need emptying

I'm so old I feel like I have the lung capacity of a small woodland creature