I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

You call this torture? You might as well cover me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians

You call this torture? You might as well be using Ken Dodd's tickle sticks

You call this torture? You might as well castrate me now . . wait. .what are you doing with that mini guillotine?

You call this torture? You might as well give in. Now Nyan cat for 6 hours straight. Thats a real mans torture!

You call this torture? You might as well grease up my nipples for the electrodes, and we can call it fun for the whole family!

You call this torture? You might as well prop my eyes open with matchsticks and force me to look at Katy Perry's boobs all day long