I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

I’m about as happy as a termite in a lumberyard

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a crack addict

The first time I discovered porn it was like the world's stickiest fire extinguisher

The first time I discovered porn it was like tiny electric rainbows springing forth from a well of despair

The first time I discovered porn it was like the crescendo to Nessun Dorma in my nutsack

The first time I discovered porn it was like warm yoghurt from a Super Soaker for 8 days straight