Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a cucumber in a womens prison
J-Roc | 27/04/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 314
No way could you do that. You've got more chance of oscar pistorius catching athletes foot
Ciaran | 25/10/2018 | Permalink | MegaScore: 311
Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like the morning breath of the 2010 Rimming World Champion, hobo category...
Poostache | 04/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 205
4
Libya is in more of a mess than that prostitute I put through the woodchipper
Zeugma | 03/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 205
5
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like butter had an affair with a silk worm and produced sheets of grotesquely comfy children
The Gritty Chimp | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 198
6
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder I would start to lactate ice cream.
Faroutman | 25/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 192
7
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the sweet sweet embrace of a freshly shaved unicorn
Adult Swim | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 188
8
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like being rimmed by a kitten
Malevolent | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 186
9
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like wiping your ass with Bon Jovi's hair.
buqshui | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 184
10
Ricky Gervais' Golden Globe performance was sexier than a pineapple rodgering a rotting sheep.
Baron | 20/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 183
11
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost had to suffocate a kitten to restore my equilibrium
Rowan | 03/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 179
12
No way could you do that. You've got more chance of being deepthroated by a nun
Mr. Porky | 23/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 176
13
That drunken text was a worse idea than hiding Shannon Matthews in a bed
Lang1702 | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 175
14
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like the fact you were a video game character wasn't holding us back any longer
job | 24/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 170
15
That drunken text was a worse idea than Cora Berger's latest boob augmentation
Lang1702 | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 169
16
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a spastic's chin.
spider | 12/02/2016 | Permalink | MegaScore: 167
17
A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of not just any turd, but a freshly laid, extra nutty, fairtrade, M&S turd
Zeugma | 03/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 167
18
That drunken text was a worse idea than doing a 500ft bungee jump with a 600ft bungee
Gadzooks | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 167
19
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than an otter's pocket
Zeugma | 06/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 165
20
I've been dumped more time than a curry at an elephant's stag party
Ian Gregory | 19/02/2020 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 164
21
Where did you meet her? She looks like she's made out of elbow skin
Rexley | 05/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 164
22
This box of freshly picked apples is like the blue man group in camouflage hiding from the constabulary
Super Freaky | 02/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 161
23
I'm going to punch you so hard you'll be shitting teeth
glib | 09/09/2012 | Permalink | MegaScore: 161
24
Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than waking up to the tender spooning and gentle whispers of my drunk dad..
generic username | 21/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 157
25
When the probe was inserted I felt as if I was finally home. Finally home..
Edgar | 07/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 156
26
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than a ginger person without any.... no, no just a ginger person
Boris | 26/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 156
27
No way could you do that. You've got more chance of finding a one ended stick
Addy1991 | 07/01/2014 | Permalink | MegaScore: 156
28
Just one lottery win and I will be as rich as one of Bill Gate's nostril hairs
Lang1702 | 01/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 155
29
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been suplexed through a cattle grid
Gadzooks | 09/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 154
30
Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a Thai ladyboy's back pussy
Zeugma | 21/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 154
31
Where did you meet her? She looks like my old boxing gloves - sweaty and leathery, with fist-sized opening just waiting to be filled
Gadzooks | 05/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 151
32
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than A cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor
caseythebuffalo | 25/07/2019 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 150
33
If Paris is the city of love then Hull is an alleyway bukake session with your mum...
Poostache | 15/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 150
34
My phone is so outdated it was originally on a list of that year's greatest innovations, along with 'the wheel' and 'fire'
toby larone | 07/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 149
35
Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like somebody vomited in a bucket, left it for a few days, baked it in a turd case and served to be with a sprig of parsley
Lang1702 | 11/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 148
36
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Harvey Price would think I was an Etch-a-Sketch
jonh | 25/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 148
37
My phone is so outdated it comes with an over the shoulder carry strap
headfucker | 07/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 148
38
Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like you didn't listen.
EddieB | 11/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 147
39
Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a spring that has been stretched past it's elastic limit
Nerd | 20/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 146
40
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than George Dubya Bush misunderarticulating one of his own Bushism's....
Poostache | 27/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 145
41
If I'm going to do this I'll need more balls than a one eyed eunuch
Zeugma | 13/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 145
42
That drunken text was a worse idea than not sharing a Tesco's Finest pizza with your neighbour...
Too Soon | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 144
43
It's the weekend and I'm randier than Elias Koteas at the scene of an accident
Lang1702 | 22/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 142
44
That bang was so loud I thought "Oh ho ho Mr. Microwave, how deep your sense of irony must run after cooking my platter of silver trout."
doobleducks | 13/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 141
45
I'm going to punch you so hard Mitt Romney would want you to have Obamacare.
Junior | 01/10/2012 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 141
46
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the ocean floor
Lang1702 | 20/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 139
47
That model is so hot I would use her poo for toothpaste.
matt558 | 28/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 138
48
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Even chuck Norris wouldn't fuck with em
Gav087 | 25/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 138
49
I like my women like I like my Pokémon. Paralyzed.
Joey Parmesian | 18/07/2017 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 137
50
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a submarine's number plate
Mk | 25/10/2012 | Permalink | MegaScore: 136
51
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you found out the filling was tiger blood and Susan Boyle's gash fromage
Zeugma | 10/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 136
52
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like licking butter off a butterfly's buttock.
Baron | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 136
53
No way could you do that. You've got more chance of using that expired condom you keep in your wallet 'just incase'
Hoggy | 23/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 135
54
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Audley Harrison reclaiming his dignity after THAT fight
Lang1702 | 26/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 135
55
I was slapped so hard I thought I was back at Mistress Whiplash's house of pain & I had forgotten the safety word
kinky | 04/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 134
56
This towel is so rough it's like falling on astroturf, naked.
savemejebus | 19/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 134
57
Watching England in a penalty shootout is as tense as misplacing your detonator at a thumb war convention
Parachoc | 21/08/2018 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 134
58
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost think you almost certainly stole it from a certain well known inappropriate joke website
Zeugma | 04/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 133
59
No way could you do that. You've got more chance Shoving cooked spaghetti up a mountain lion’s ass
Ram | 03/07/2019 | Permalink | MegaScore: 132
60
Well that plan went down like jumbo box of condoms in a nunnery
portland182 | 02/11/2018 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 131
61
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost forgot it was about my small penis :(
Mr Mistoffelees | 03/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 130
62
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the touch of a hand wearing a satin glove.
Jeanine | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 130
63
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather practice mooking with your great grandmother...
Poostache | 16/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 129
64
That drunken text was a worse idea than trying to find out if it is possible to use your blanket as a parachute.
Alice | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 128
65
Just been stung by a wasp and now my face has swollen up so bad it looks like the Bride of Wildenstein after a knife fighting exercise at Bath Uni Jitsu Club....
Poostache | 02/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 128
66
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been employed to do the voice of Ned Flanders
Lang1702 | 09/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 128
67
I was slapped so hard I thought I'd never taste your girlfriend again.
Anton DeWitt | 04/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 128
68
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost certainly think you stole it from someone funnier than you.
Faroutman | 03/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 128
69
Can you turn down the light? It's brighter than Ralph Wiggums night light
Lang1702 | 22/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 127
70
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than being beaten at pinball by a deaf, dumb and blind kid
Gadzooks | 09/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 127
71
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost made those adult nappies worth every penny
incontinent | 03/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 127
72
I'm so addicted to chocolate, I crave it more than cock. Lots and lots of cock.
D. Lang | 18/03/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 127
73
No way could you do that. You've got more chance You've got more chance than being kicked by a snake
Chopper | 02/05/2016 | Permalink | MegaScore: 126
74
My phone is so outdated it doesnt even have Snake!
Hoggy | 07/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 126
75
No way could you do that. You've got more chance playing knock-a-door run with Barak Obama
G. W. Bush | 23/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 126
76
That model is so hot I would use my EXPENSIVE paints on this one! Maybe I'd even flock the base and show it off at Games Workshop!
Lollodon XI | 28/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 126
77
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like my oculophilia had reached dizzying new heights.
Poostache | 24/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 125
78
When I showed up to that Bar Mitzvah I felt about as welcome as a german plumber who just popped by to check the sprinkler system
Zeugma | 23/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 125
79
It's the weekend and I'm randier than mayfly with a curfew.
ColonelT | 22/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 125
80
If I don't stop drinking whisky my liver will look like im staging a re-enactment of the rectum of 1 guy 1 cup.
Hoggy | 18/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 125
81
That drunken text was a worse idea than going swimming with Michael Barrymore.
Hoggy | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 124
82
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you found out there was a third ingredient and it was HATE
Bob | 10/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 124
83
That bang was so loud I thought I'd probably broken her jaw...teach her to burn dinner...
generic username | 13/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 124
84
Selfie sticks are more annoying than A mosquito bite under your chastity belt
Brad | 02/06/2017 | Permalink | MegaScore: 123
85
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a Nun in a candle shop
Jesus | 06/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 122
86
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like every wipe that precede this one was steel wool
wjp | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 120
87
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather not go to your clown fetish circle jerk
Zeugma | 16/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 120
88
When it comes to dating I'm as shallow as a Chihuahua making sweet sweet love to an Alsation
Lang1702 | 12/04/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 120
89
That guy? He's about as manly as graham norton holding a strawberry cornetto....
tommy fletch | 17/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 119
90
Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than Darth Vader in an S&M store
Gadzooks | 01/04/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 118
91
When the probe was inserted I felt as if the medical for being a choir boy was surprisingly rigorous
Gadzooks | 07/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 118
92
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than the time I tried to wank left handed
Jizz | 09/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 118
93
Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as an octogenarian octopus
Herman | 19/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 117
94
Anne Hathaway in a cat suit is like the icing on the cake, except the cake is just icing, and suddenly there's icing all over everything.
James Duval | 30/07/2012 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 117
95
For missing the sentence start again the creators of Megaphores are sorrier than my pet rabbit will be for ruining my soup
Stumped | 15/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 116
96
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like England's defence at the last world cup - expensive, crap and easy to poke your finger through.
Carrot | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 116
97
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than Harvey Price trying to count to banana
MedShental | 27/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 116
98
Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like trying to make it to the end of Final Fantasy 7 with Aeris still alive
Barret | 31/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 115
99
It's the weekend and I'm randier than a blind lesbian in a fish shop
jimp | 22/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 114
100
If I were a spy I'd be as subtle as a fart in a library
blob | 24/04/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 114