This toilet tissue is so soft it's like butter had an affair with a silk worm and produced sheets of grotesquely comfy children
Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like the morning breath of the 2010 Rimming World Champion, hobo category...
Libya is in more of a mess than that prostitute I put through the woodchipper
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the sweet sweet embrace of a freshly shaved unicorn
Ricky Gervais' Golden Globe performance was sexier than a pineapple rodgering a rotting sheep.
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like being rimmed by a kitten
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost had to suffocate a kitten to restore my equilibrium
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder I would start to lactate ice cream.
That drunken text was a worse idea than hiding Shannon Matthews in a bed
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like wiping your ass with Bon Jovi's hair.
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like the fact you were a video game character wasn't holding us back any longer
That drunken text was a worse idea than doing a 500ft bungee jump with a 600ft bungee
That drunken text was a worse idea than Cora Berger's latest boob augmentation
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a cucumber in a womens prison
This box of freshly picked apples is like the blue man group in camouflage hiding from the constabulary
A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of not just any turd, but a freshly laid, extra nutty, fairtrade, M&S turd
Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a Thai ladyboy's back pussy
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than a ginger person without any.... no, no just a ginger person
Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than waking up to the tender spooning and gentle whispers of my drunk dad..
Where did you meet her? She looks like she's made out of elbow skin
When the probe was inserted I felt as if I was finally home. Finally home..
Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a spring that has been stretched past it's elastic limit
Just one lottery win and I will be as rich as one of Bill Gate's nostril hairs
That drunken text was a worse idea than not sharing a Tesco's Finest pizza with your neighbour...
Where did you meet her? She looks like my old boxing gloves - sweaty and leathery, with fist-sized opening just waiting to be filled
If I'm going to do this I'll need more balls than a one eyed eunuch
My phone is so outdated it was originally on a list of that year's greatest innovations, along with 'the wheel' and 'fire'
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been suplexed through a cattle grid
My phone is so outdated it comes with an over the shoulder carry strap
That bang was so loud I thought "Oh ho ho Mr. Microwave, how deep your sense of irony must run after cooking my platter of silver trout."
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Harvey Price would think I was an Etch-a-Sketch
Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like somebody vomited in a bucket, left it for a few days, baked it in a turd case and served to be with a sprig of parsley
If Paris is the city of love then Hull is an alleyway bukake session with your mum...
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than George Dubya Bush misunderarticulating one of his own Bushism's....
It's the weekend and I'm randier than Elias Koteas at the scene of an accident
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost think you almost certainly stole it from a certain well known inappropriate joke website
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the ocean floor
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Even chuck Norris wouldn't fuck with em
That model is so hot I would use her poo for toothpaste.
Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like you didn't listen.
I like my women like I like my Pokémon. Paralyzed.
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the touch of a hand wearing a satin glove.
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Audley Harrison reclaiming his dignity after THAT fight
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like licking butter off a butterfly's buttock.
This towel is so rough it's like falling on astroturf, naked.
That model is so hot I would use my EXPENSIVE paints on this one! Maybe I'd even flock the base and show it off at Games Workshop!
It's the weekend and I'm randier than mayfly with a curfew.
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you found out the filling was tiger blood and Susan Boyle's gash fromage
If I don't stop drinking whisky my liver will look like im staging a re-enactment of the rectum of 1 guy 1 cup.
That bang was so loud I thought I'd probably broken her jaw...teach her to burn dinner...
My phone is so outdated it doesnt even have Snake!
No way could you do that. You've got more chance of using that expired condom you keep in your wallet 'just incase'
Watching England in a penalty shootout is as tense as misplacing your detonator at a thumb war convention
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost certainly think you stole it from someone funnier than you.
No way could you do that. You've got more chance playing knock-a-door run with Barak Obama
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather practice mooking with your great grandmother...
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been employed to do the voice of Ned Flanders
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you found out there was a third ingredient and it was HATE
I'm so addicted to chocolate, I crave it more than cock. Lots and lots of cock.
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than being beaten at pinball by a deaf, dumb and blind kid
That drunken text was a worse idea than trying to find out if it is possible to use your blanket as a parachute.
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost forgot it was about my small penis :(
Well that plan went down like jumbo box of condoms in a nunnery
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost made those adult nappies worth every penny
When I showed up to that Bar Mitzvah I felt about as welcome as a german plumber who just popped by to check the sprinkler system
Anne Hathaway in a cat suit is like the icing on the cake, except the cake is just icing, and suddenly there's icing all over everything.
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather not go to your clown fetish circle jerk
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like every wipe that precede this one was steel wool
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like my oculophilia had reached dizzying new heights.
I'm going to punch you so hard you'll be shitting teeth
I was slapped so hard I thought I was back at Mistress Whiplash's house of pain & I had forgotten the safety word
Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as an octogenarian octopus
For missing the sentence start again the creators of Megaphores are sorrier than my pet rabbit will be for ruining my soup
No way could you do that. You've got more chance of being deepthroated by a nun
Just been stung by a wasp and now my face has swollen up so bad it looks like the Bride of Wildenstein after a knife fighting exercise at Bath Uni Jitsu Club....
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like England's defence at the last world cup - expensive, crap and easy to poke your finger through.
That drunken text was a worse idea than going swimming with Michael Barrymore.
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than Harvey Price trying to count to banana
Can you turn down the light? It's brighter than Ralph Wiggums night light
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than the time I tried to wank left handed
Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than Darth Vader in an S&M store
Selfie sticks are more annoying than A mosquito bite under your chastity belt
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you were lactose intolerant, a diabetic, and had a wheat allergy.
That bang was so loud I thought my intestines couldn't handle the Krakatoa like pressures. Note to self: No more 'Indian Chicken Curry'...
I was slapped so hard I thought I'd never taste your girlfriend again.
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Sian Massey understanding the offside rule...
This curry is so spicy it feels like I just ate a million Scoville units.
That guy? He's about as manly as graham norton holding a strawberry cornetto....
If I ate a dolphin I would be more powerful than Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater.
When the probe was inserted I felt as if the medical for being a choir boy was surprisingly rigorous
When it comes to dating I'm as shallow as a Chihuahua making sweet sweet love to an Alsation
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather cry myself to sleep in the comfort of my own space pod
You call this torture? You might as well cover me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians
Car insurance has become more over priced than tank insurance in Libya.
I wish I hadn't had that curry last night. My anus feels like It could have been used in 'Nam to save on napalm.
That bang was so loud I thought it was a bad idea to build the school for the sensitive of hearing next to Clumsy Joe's dynamite warehouse.
Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like trying to make it to the end of Final Fantasy 7 with Aeris still alive
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder they'd have a 3rd dan...each
It's the weekend and I'm randier than a blind lesbian in a fish shop
Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm incapalbe fo evn teh simlpest fo tskas