This toilet tissue is so soft it's like butter had an affair with a silk worm and produced sheets of grotesquely comfy children
The Gritty Chimp | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 202
Someone took a dump in my shoe and it smells like the morning breath of the 2010 Rimming World Champion, hobo category...
Poostache | 04/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 201
Libya is in more of a mess than that prostitute I put through the woodchipper
Zeugma | 03/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 197
4
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the sweet sweet embrace of a freshly shaved unicorn
Adult Swim | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 190
5
Ricky Gervais' Golden Globe performance was sexier than a pineapple rodgering a rotting sheep.
Baron | 20/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 181
6
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like being rimmed by a kitten
Malevolent | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 177
7
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost had to suffocate a kitten to restore my equilibrium
Rowan | 03/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 175
8
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder I would start to lactate ice cream.
Faroutman | 25/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 174
9
That drunken text was a worse idea than hiding Shannon Matthews in a bed
Lang1702 | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 174
10
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like wiping your ass with Bon Jovi's hair.
buqshui | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 172
11
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like the fact you were a video game character wasn't holding us back any longer
job | 24/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 166
12
That drunken text was a worse idea than doing a 500ft bungee jump with a 600ft bungee
Gadzooks | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 166
13
That drunken text was a worse idea than Cora Berger's latest boob augmentation
Lang1702 | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 165
14
Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a cucumber in a womens prison
J-Roc | 27/04/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 162
15
This box of freshly picked apples is like the blue man group in camouflage hiding from the constabulary
Super Freaky | 02/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 162
16
A good chocolate brownie should have the consistency of not just any turd, but a freshly laid, extra nutty, fairtrade, M&S turd
Zeugma | 03/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 160
17
Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a Thai ladyboy's back pussy
Zeugma | 21/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 155
18
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than a ginger person without any.... no, no just a ginger person
Boris | 26/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 154
19
Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than waking up to the tender spooning and gentle whispers of my drunk dad..
generic username | 21/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 154
20
Where did you meet her? She looks like she's made out of elbow skin
Rexley | 05/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 153
21
When the probe was inserted I felt as if I was finally home. Finally home..
Edgar | 07/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 152
22
Trying to organise things with my friends is a nightmare. They are slacker than a spring that has been stretched past it's elastic limit
Nerd | 20/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 151
23
Just one lottery win and I will be as rich as one of Bill Gate's nostril hairs
Lang1702 | 01/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 149
24
That drunken text was a worse idea than not sharing a Tesco's Finest pizza with your neighbour...
Too Soon | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 148
25
Where did you meet her? She looks like my old boxing gloves - sweaty and leathery, with fist-sized opening just waiting to be filled
Gadzooks | 05/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 147
26
If I'm going to do this I'll need more balls than a one eyed eunuch
Zeugma | 13/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 146
27
My phone is so outdated it was originally on a list of that year's greatest innovations, along with 'the wheel' and 'fire'
toby larone | 07/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 144
28
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been suplexed through a cattle grid
Gadzooks | 09/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 144
29
My phone is so outdated it comes with an over the shoulder carry strap
headfucker | 07/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 142
30
That bang was so loud I thought "Oh ho ho Mr. Microwave, how deep your sense of irony must run after cooking my platter of silver trout."
doobleducks | 13/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 142
31
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Harvey Price would think I was an Etch-a-Sketch
jonh | 25/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 142
32
Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like somebody vomited in a bucket, left it for a few days, baked it in a turd case and served to be with a sprig of parsley
Lang1702 | 11/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 142
33
If Paris is the city of love then Hull is an alleyway bukake session with your mum...
Poostache | 15/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 141
34
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than George Dubya Bush misunderarticulating one of his own Bushism's....
Poostache | 27/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 141
35
It's the weekend and I'm randier than Elias Koteas at the scene of an accident
Lang1702 | 22/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 140
36
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost think you almost certainly stole it from a certain well known inappropriate joke website
Zeugma | 04/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 138
37
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the ocean floor
Lang1702 | 20/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 137
38
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder Even chuck Norris wouldn't fuck with em
Gav087 | 25/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 137
39
That model is so hot I would use her poo for toothpaste.
matt558 | 28/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 136
40
Where did you learn to cook? This tastes like you didn't listen.
EddieB | 11/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 136
41
I like my women like I like my Pokémon. Paralyzed.
Joey Parmesian | 18/07/2017 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 135
42
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like the touch of a hand wearing a satin glove.
Jeanine | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 135
43
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Audley Harrison reclaiming his dignity after THAT fight
Lang1702 | 26/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 134
44
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like licking butter off a butterfly's buttock.
Baron | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 134
45
This towel is so rough it's like falling on astroturf, naked.
savemejebus | 19/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 134
46
That model is so hot I would use my EXPENSIVE paints on this one! Maybe I'd even flock the base and show it off at Games Workshop!
Lollodon XI | 28/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 131
47
It's the weekend and I'm randier than mayfly with a curfew.
ColonelT | 22/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 129
48
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you found out the filling was tiger blood and Susan Boyle's gash fromage
Zeugma | 10/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 129
49
If I don't stop drinking whisky my liver will look like im staging a re-enactment of the rectum of 1 guy 1 cup.
Hoggy | 18/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 128
50
That bang was so loud I thought I'd probably broken her jaw...teach her to burn dinner...
generic username | 13/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 128
51
My phone is so outdated it doesnt even have Snake!
Hoggy | 07/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 128
52
No way could you do that. You've got more chance of using that expired condom you keep in your wallet 'just incase'
Hoggy | 23/02/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 128
53
Watching England in a penalty shootout is as tense as misplacing your detonator at a thumb war convention
Parachoc | 21/08/2018 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 128
54
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost certainly think you stole it from someone funnier than you.
Faroutman | 03/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 127
55
No way could you do that. You've got more chance playing knock-a-door run with Barak Obama
G. W. Bush | 23/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 127
56
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather practice mooking with your great grandmother...
Poostache | 16/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 126
57
A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been employed to do the voice of Ned Flanders
Lang1702 | 09/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 126
58
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you found out there was a third ingredient and it was HATE
Bob | 10/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 126
59
I'm so addicted to chocolate, I crave it more than cock. Lots and lots of cock.
D. Lang | 18/03/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 125
60
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than being beaten at pinball by a deaf, dumb and blind kid
Gadzooks | 09/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 125
61
That drunken text was a worse idea than trying to find out if it is possible to use your blanket as a parachute.
Alice | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 125
62
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost forgot it was about my small penis :(
Mr Mistoffelees | 03/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 125
63
Well that plan went down like jumbo box of condoms in a nunnery
portland182 | 02/11/2018 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 124
64
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost made those adult nappies worth every penny
incontinent | 03/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 124
65
When I showed up to that Bar Mitzvah I felt about as welcome as a german plumber who just popped by to check the sprinkler system
Zeugma | 23/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 124
66
Anne Hathaway in a cat suit is like the icing on the cake, except the cake is just icing, and suddenly there's icing all over everything.
James Duval | 30/07/2012 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 123
67
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather not go to your clown fetish circle jerk
Zeugma | 16/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 122
68
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like every wipe that precede this one was steel wool
wjp | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 122
69
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like my oculophilia had reached dizzying new heights.
Poostache | 24/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 122
70
I'm going to punch you so hard you'll be shitting teeth
glib | 09/09/2012 | Permalink | MegaScore: 122
71
I was slapped so hard I thought I was back at Mistress Whiplash's house of pain & I had forgotten the safety word
kinky | 04/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 121
72
Used Veet instead of shampoo this morning and now I'm as bald as an octogenarian octopus
Herman | 19/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 121
73
For missing the sentence start again the creators of Megaphores are sorrier than my pet rabbit will be for ruining my soup
Stumped | 15/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 120
74
No way could you do that. You've got more chance of being deepthroated by a nun
Mr. Porky | 23/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 120
75
Just been stung by a wasp and now my face has swollen up so bad it looks like the Bride of Wildenstein after a knife fighting exercise at Bath Uni Jitsu Club....
Poostache | 02/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 120
76
This toilet tissue is so soft it's like England's defence at the last world cup - expensive, crap and easy to poke your finger through.
Carrot | 21/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 118
77
That drunken text was a worse idea than going swimming with Michael Barrymore.
Hoggy | 23/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 118
78
If I was on Mastermind I would look dumber than Harvey Price trying to count to banana
MedShental | 27/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 118
79
Can you turn down the light? It's brighter than Ralph Wiggums night light
Lang1702 | 22/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 118
80
Being a 51 year old virgin is leaving me more frustrated than the time I tried to wank left handed
Jizz | 09/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 117
81
Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than Darth Vader in an S&M store
Gadzooks | 01/04/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 117
82
Selfie sticks are more annoying than A mosquito bite under your chastity belt
Brad | 02/06/2017 | Permalink | MegaScore: 117
83
A cheese and jam toastie? That couldn't be worse if you were lactose intolerant, a diabetic, and had a wheat allergy.
Faroutman | 10/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 116
84
That bang was so loud I thought my intestines couldn't handle the Krakatoa like pressures. Note to self: No more 'Indian Chicken Curry'...
kevinbors | 13/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 116
85
I was slapped so hard I thought I'd never taste your girlfriend again.
Anton DeWitt | 04/03/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 116
86
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than Sian Massey understanding the offside rule...
Poostache | 26/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 114
87
This curry is so spicy it feels like I just ate a million Scoville units.
kevinbors | 03/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 114
88
That guy? He's about as manly as graham norton holding a strawberry cornetto....
tommy fletch | 17/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 114
89
If I ate a dolphin I would be more powerful than Mr Rogers in a blood stained sweater.
Faroutman | 16/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 114
90
When the probe was inserted I felt as if the medical for being a choir boy was surprisingly rigorous
Gadzooks | 07/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 114
91
When it comes to dating I'm as shallow as a Chihuahua making sweet sweet love to an Alsation
Lang1702 | 12/04/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 113
92
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather cry myself to sleep in the comfort of my own space pod
Nanoo | 16/02/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 112
93
You call this torture? You might as well cover me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians
Gadzooks | 27/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 112
94
Car insurance has become more over priced than tank insurance in Libya.
Slightly different blue | 07/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 112
95
I wish I hadn't had that curry last night. My anus feels like It could have been used in 'Nam to save on napalm.
Hank the Yank | 30/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 112
96
That bang was so loud I thought it was a bad idea to build the school for the sensitive of hearing next to Clumsy Joe's dynamite warehouse.
Slightly different blue | 13/04/2011 | Permalink | E | MegaScore: 112
97
Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like trying to make it to the end of Final Fantasy 7 with Aeris still alive
Barret | 31/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 112
98
It's so cold outside. If my nipples were any harder they'd have a 3rd dan...each
Zeugma | 25/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 112
99
It's the weekend and I'm randier than a blind lesbian in a fish shop
jimp | 22/01/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 111
100
Been listening to Chris Moyles for 30 hours straight and now I'm incapalbe fo evn teh simlpest fo tskas
Bob | 17/03/2011 | Permalink | MegaScore: 109