Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than A lesbian in a locker room

I need a piss so badly I could I need a piss so badly I could ... aaaaaahh

My 4K TV is so high definition My TV is so high definition to the ceiling

My 4K TV is so high definition that badly chosen camera angles in pornos are genuinely mentally scarring

No way could you do that. You've got more chance Of being handcuffed by ghosts

My hangover is so bad I feel like I’ve been cast as a zombie extra in the Living Dead

Just been for a run and now I'm sweatier than an Alabama mooncricket on a rape charge.

I haven't panicked this much since my old gran caught her tit in the mangle.

Her face is so old it looks like elbow skin.

I'm going to punch you so hard it will alter your DNA.

His handshake was so limp It was like shaking hands with a dead fish.

Even though Kylie Minogue is in her 50’s, I’d still let her touch my special area

Even though Kylie Minogue is in her 50’s, I’d still crawl inside her turtle shell

My 4K TV is so high definition I can see the lizard in Boris Johnson's eyeballs

My 4K TV is so high definition you can see a gnats pube at a thousand paces.

Midweek television has gone downhill faster than Than a rabbit running down hill on a promise.

That beer tastes like The scrapings from the devils jock strap.

The final season of Game Of Thrones was more disappointing than getting together with your lifelong crush, only to find out she has burger nips

No way could you do that. You've got more chance Shaving a bobcat in a phone booth

No way could you do that. You've got more chance Shoving cooked spaghetti up a mountain lion’s ass

The final season of Game Of Thrones was more disappointing than a toothy blowjob from your uncle Ron

You're more negative than an electron with chronic depression

The final season of Game Of Thrones was more disappointing than when the young boy I was grooming online also turned out to be a 59 year old man

Well that plan went down like the syndrome

Well that plan went down like a lead balloon

Well that plan went down like Donkey kong

Well that plan went down like Hell

Well that plan went down like a prostitute with braces.

Well that plan went down like the worm in the tequila bottle.

Well that plan went down like A good husband

Well that plan went down like Jacko at a kids party

Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than Hairy turd trailing a hump back whale

Being part of the men's synchronised swimming team makes me prouder than n

Well that plan went down like Monica on Bill

Well that plan went down like Dele Alli in the penalty box

Well that plan went down like a broken elevator

Well that plan went down like river

Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than a mermaids purse!

Well that plan went down like jumbo box of condoms in a nunnery

No way could you do that. You've got more chance of oscar pistorius catching athletes foot

Watching England in a penalty shootout is as tense as misplacing your detonator at a thumb war convention

Spent five minutes outside today and now I'm wetter than the front row at a shamu show

Watching England in a penalty shootout is as tense as A pedophile at a wiggles concert

Watching England in a penalty shootout is as tense as the time my son introduced me to his new waifu at dinner

Banged a $10 hooker 2 weeks ago and now my genitals looks like an old mans skin flute.

Banged a $10 hooker 2 weeks ago and now my genitals looks like blue waffle's ugly sister

Banged a $10 hooker 2 weeks ago and now my genitals looks like a dropped trifle

Banged a $10 hooker 2 weeks ago and now my genitals looks like A half eaten lion bar

If I was a hitman I would be deadlier than a deranged scorpion on meth

If I was a hitman I would be deadlier than Tim Romble wearing his favourite bumming hat