Top 10 by Elvin
When I first gazed into your eyes it was like the biggest mistake of my life coming back to haunt me
Thank you for your kind invite, but I'd rather Jump out of a plane without a parachute than attend your party.
My phone is so outdated it could be used as a building block for a house
That bang was so loud I thought my cat had knocked a frying pan onto the floor. Turns out it was Buncefield exploding. True story.
Nothing gets me out of bed quicker than my cat jumping on me, trying to eat my toes
Midweek television has gone downhill faster than a bicycle with no brakes going down Bathwick hill
Andy Gray is going to find it harder to get a job than an autistic gorilla in an office
This inner ear infection is making me clumsier than a one armed zombie with no brain left
Waiting for Andy Murray to win a grand slam is like waiting to have the right weather for a BBQ in England
That joke made me laugh so hard I almost hit my head on the desk, broke it, and then headbutted the floor